Dreading Xmas

[ShazzaM74]

Just needing to vent this somewhere and hope you lovely ladies will understand. This year I've had 2 mc. 1st May & 2nd Oct. I'm absolutely dreading Xmas I should of had a baby but again I've just got this emptiness and what with family gatherings and everyone showing off their new babies, me and dh feel like a spare part with nothing in common to talk about with others, they are all going be cooing over the babies. Most people on here will understand that although we are happy for all the new mothers, it doesn't stop it hurting like hell. Yes I'm jealous and want that sort of attention for us too. I know it sounds selfish and pretty awful but I can't help it. We're not bad people why can't we just have a bit of luck and feel normal and fit into the family situation instead of feeling like outsiders...I'm trying to be positive and wish next year will be our year but I'm 39 & dh is 45 so reality is kicking in.
Any advice would be gratefully received x

[mandy1972]

Hi Shazza
Don't know how you feel about mc but did have a chemical last year, we always felt like we never fitted with the family things, as for being older please dont give up we tried for 10 years I'm 41 and hubby is 45 and we are 21 weeks pregnant so snything is possible.
Really hope that 2014 is your year
Hugs
Mandy xx

[Kat23]

Hey hun,

So sorry to hear about your losses xxx
I can understand that feeling of dread, i also have days like that and xmas is so close to my due date so think it will be very raw. If you really can't face it could you and your OH go away for a well deserve break? you've both been through a lot together and something like that may help with your recovery. I have really struggled but found some mini breaks away have at least given me something to look forward to. Still have off days though and i couldn't stop crying when we put our xmas tree up (usually a very happy time for us). I think whilst it is a bit of jealousy and resentment on our parts, i actually think thats ok...i mean why can't we feel like that? we've had enough with difficult journeys to then have this happen and other people seem to get it so easy. Do your family/friends know? at first we were reluctant to tell people, but actually i'm really happy we did as people have been so much more sensitive and made it easier for me to get back into social occasions (which i would dread). I hope 2014 brings us all more luck and our rainbow baby xxx

[ShazzaM74]

Thanks for your support Mandy and Kat. All the family knows and I think that they will be sensitive but sometimes it just feels like they are boasting and parading what they've got and I haven't, although it may just seem like that to a paranoid me. A short break away is out of the question unfortunately I have a poorly mum and brother coming to mine from abroad. I just think I'm over sensitive about it all and my self esteem is at an all time low. Waiting for CBT Therapy 3 month waiting list...
Congratulations Mandy I know it's possible to get pregnant still it's just keeping it, so we're not going to give up. It's just knowing or not knowing what's ahead for the next year again is daunting and we need to find the strength and not lose sight of our relationship. As you all know it can severely damage your love life.
Thanks again for your support xx

[Kasha]

No advice, just lots of love x

[gemstone83]

Shazza I am so very sorry for your losses. It is so very hard and I am sending lots of hugs. I also found Christmas extremely hard as that's when our last mmc was due and I unfortunately had a relative have their baby on my due date. In the beginning I really could not cope with seeing their baby but over the past year I have come to terms with it. I would say do what you need to do to get through this time and be kind to yourself.

I hope you don't mind me saying this but I think you need to either push for recurrent miscarriage tests due to your age or I would pay for some of the tests if you can afford it. In other countries they receive the tests after 2 its purely financial why the NHS waits till 3. From all my research after my third miscarriage I would have paid to have the tests as I basically only had a 10% chance of a live birth without treatment for my blood clotting disorder. The test itself would have been about £100. With treatment I have 70% chance. If they come back clear then you can have some peace of mind the next time you catch.

Sending lots of love xxx

[Plum_pie]

Hi Shazza,

I'm so sorry for your losses. I too had a mc this year, in September. I saw you mentioned that you were waiting for CBT therapy and wondered if you knew that there are some free online CBT courses? I found a list of some of them here: http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/links2.htm - not sure if they are all free but the livinglifetothefull one is and I did that many years ago and found it helpful.
I feel for you on the whole Xmas thing. My OH and I became uncle and aunt twice over on both sides of our families in August, then we had our loss in September, I find it very hard to see the little ones now, but also I find there's a lot of love there too, which helps. It's strange to feel both those emotions at the same time, but I'm learning to manage it. Is there anything you could do to protect yourself and your OH at Xmas time - like maybe telling friends/ family how you're feeling and asking for what you need? Or possibly limiting the time you are exposed to all the little ones, so it doesn't get too overwhelming? What might help you?
I just wanted to say as well that you've every right to feel jealous, crappy, and anything else you might feel. This is not fair and you don't deserve it. None of this is fair. But know that you are not alone and you will get through this. This is the right place to get support whenever you need it, even if just a place to come and vent!

Big Santa shaped hugs and babydust to you
xx

[ShazzaM74]

Thanks you for your replies gemstone and plum pie and so sorry for both your losses. I have had all the sticky blood tests a few weeks ago as my new GP has had ivf and knows what tests I need to have done thankfully. They were all clear.. Just need to get pregnant again so I can have progesterone tests. So thankfully I'm finally being investigated. I'm sort of getting my head around the whole Xmas thing now and realising that they all might be on tender hooks cos of what to say to me so I think I just need to take it as it comes and stop worrying unnecessarily of what might or might not happen...
Thank you ladies and hope you all get what you want.

XXX

[gemstone83]

That's really good of them Shazza and I am glad they didn't find anything.

[beaglelady]

hi i also think you should push for bloods to be done. i had them done after my second miscarriage due to my age 37 and i had endometriosis as well as pcos . i also paid tohave natural killer cells done which came up positive. it didn't work out for me but you need to try everything on offer.