Numb after miscarriage

[lunkycat1]

Hi ladies

I've just returned from hospital after what I describe as the worst few days of my life. I surprisingly managed to fall pregnant after no periods for 14 months after coming off the pill. Tried all sorts if treatments and was about to begin stimming for my 1st IVF cycle when I fell pregnant in the first week of January. This was the best news ever after thinking we couldn't have a baby naturally and being very unhappy about resorting to IVF. After a few weeks I went for a private scan with my fertility doctor to reassure me that I was in fact pregnant and saw a sac measuring at approx 6.5wks, but nothing else. He suggested going back after a couple of weeks and I was hopeful that we'd see a baby with a heartbeat, but he confirmed it was an empty sac at 9wks pregnant. I was devastated and so was my DH, although he has been incredibly supportive.

We were referred to the EPU on Sunday 15th February and they suggested I try to pass naturally and to return the next week. After heavy bleeding and clots I was sure id passed it, but after a scan the sac was still there and high up. So I went back on weds for the medical management route and was hopeful that would work. We walked around the hospital for HOURS to get things moving, all the time passing new born babies and pregnant women. Each time was like a kick in the gut, and I spent most of the day crying and feeling very angry while I knew the tablets weren't doing anything to get rid of the "products" (horrid word) I had to stay overnight in case it started then more tablets in the morning. Again, nothing.

So the consultant decides will try and remove it using forceps, and he managed to get something out which was very unpleasant, but I was confident he would sort it an could put all of this behind me. Another scan revealed it was STILL there, I again was devastated and just needed it all to be over.

The only choice I has left was to go home and wait (I had already waited 3wks after finding out), or have a D&C. So I opted for an emergency list op which meant a few more hours of waiting in my hospital bed. Eventually at 8pm last night after 36 hours in hospital I had the op and woke up with the most amazing sense if relief.

Now I'm home I feel pretty numb and worried about when or if my AF will ever come back. I'm eager to try again but also terrified of ever going through that again. I don't feel ready to see friends, go to work or go back to my normal life.

Did anyone else feel that way and when do you start to feel normal again?

[Jaffa1]

I am so sorry you went through this. It is the worst thing in the world I agree. I thought I would never be happy again, or laugh again, but this feeling does dull down after a while. I know you read my other post so you know it does get better. I stayed off work for a week but then I had to go back as I was scared I would never leave the house again. I kept my hood up, loud music on, and avoided contact with kids/pregnant ladies etc for a few weeks. I am ashamed to say I am still madly jealous of anyone pregnant and hate to see pushchairs. I am terribly jealous of my brother, 2 sister-in laws, best friend, and the 6 other pregnant people in my life. But then I feel like a horrible person and snap myself out of it. Sorry for rambling but the point is, it's ok to feel sad, angry, jealous, etc. You have to grieve my lovely. I hope you have great friends around you and you can take some time to cry. Also, AF will appear soon fingers crossed. Mine is due any day now and I cannot wait!

Keep in touch, let us know how you are doing, and what helped me most was cry whenever you need to!
Big hug xx

[Jaffa1]

Are you ok lunkycat? Thinking of you x

[Haider01]

Thanks for your info. I'm 9.5 weeks. Really didn't expect to conceive. I haven't really lost any weight but I've been focussing on a low GI diet and I no longer drink, or do so very rarely. I've been told from my late teens it wouldn't happen easily for me, so I hope I can be an encouragement to other PCOS ladies.