To a better year.. 2013!!!

A safe haven for you to discuss losing a pregnancy and recurrent miscarriage

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Re: To a better year.. 2013!!!

Postby debs29 » Sat Jan 12, 2013 8:02 pm

Hi Amber,

It is so good to hear you are feeling a bit better. I hope your bleeding has stopped completely for you now so that you get an emotional (and physical) break from it all. Well done on getting a good mark back on your assignments - makes it all worth the hard work. You must be really motivated with your current assignments now!

Having read the letter from the hospital I do think it is a standard letter now as it talks about our 'treatment' in a broad context rather than referring specifically to the MC which I think it would do if it was personalised. I think I am so anxious about the appointment (and getting any more bad news) that I am in a negative mind set about everything. I am aware of it and trying to fight against it though - all the exercise really helps.

I am very lucky in that my work is being very supportive. They genuinely seem to understand what a trauma I have been through and are trying to make it as easy as possible. I think I go back to work on Wednesday - 50% of my teaching load with my first day being an admin day. Am dreading my first day in the class on Thursday but I need to get back to normality. At least I have missed teaching the stats part :-) would you believe one of the topics that I will have to deal with when I go back is attachment and how mothers attach to their children - I am going to find it difficult! I can completely identify with what you say about 'poor quality soil' I have been so stressed for probably a year and a half now - we have lost 5 people very close to us during that time and in horrible circumstances. We never took a break from treatment either or work so when we lost the baby it all just came back to me and broke me. To top it off I had severe OHSS and had been suffering mild OHSS during the early stages of IVF. I was not exercising and I was eating what I liked - so my 'soil' was shocking - I think I was lucky to fall pregnant in the first place and have good eggs. I am now like a different person. I feel more confident and am enjoying feeling fitter! We are both on our feet and getting ready for a healthy pregnancy now - so it can only be good!!!

Wedding is now booked and we are really excited - I can't wait to go dress shopping. Needs to be soon as we are getting married in October!

Hope you are still getting better and enjoying a restful weekend. Is it this Monday you have your acupuncture???

Take care

Debbiexxx
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Re: To a better year.. 2013!!!

Postby Sazwell » Sun Jan 13, 2013 8:25 am

Hi
Amber hope your bleeding has stopped honey! Well done on a good assignment mark that's brilliant news x

Debs it sound like you had a tough few years so glad after your loss you have tsken some valuable time that you needed to get refocused!!!

Keep the positive thinking going girls ((((hugs)))) roll on your BFP's I'm keeping an eye on you both for news ;-) xxx
Diagnosed PCOS 1998 - 2 rounds of clomid no o'v
150mg Clomid ov miracle BFP- Sept 08, Eptopic Oct 08
IVF #1March 09 BFN- short protocol IVF #2 long protocol BFP- 24/8/09 My miracle boy born 8/5/10- 2 blasts in the freezer!
May '12 FET 14.5.12 BFN 22.5.12
Awaiting next af to start Ivf #3 natural BFP 9.8.12 (shock????) no heartbeat mmc at 10weeks 21.9.12 x
Another natural miracle BFP 21.11.12?! (8 weeks after my erpc) x another miracle boy born 14.7.13 x
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Re: To a better year.. 2013!!!

Postby Amber » Sun Jan 13, 2013 3:52 pm

Hi all

Thanks Sazwell, the bleeding stopped yesterday. I usually have 5 day AFs but this one decided to last for 6 days. Hopefully I will now have a proper length cycle with a full length luteal phase so I have some sort of change to get my BFP.

Debbie, I am glad it is a standardised letter from the hospital. I didn't think that they had the time for personal letters. I am sure your appointment will be fine, say what you want and be firm about it.

I remember Ainsworth's attachment types and Bowlby's attachment theory well, I found this really interesting in how it affects you as an adult. I certainly didn't have a good attachment to my own mother which is probably why we don't speak much now. I think I found it upsetting as I was not a Type B which is the best type. Still nothing I can do now. There is also Main's adult attachment types and how you can learn to have secure attachments which is probably where I am now but these are with people I have met in my adult life.

I am sure I had mild OHSS when I had IVF but didn't say anything as I was scared I would lose the blasts, I didn't need much of the stimulating drug at all either which suggested to me that maybe IVF wasn't really necessary for me. Still glad to hear that you are feeling fitter and healthier now.

I have got my accupunture tomorrow, however I am praying we don't get too much snow overnight. I live on a hill and when the road is covered in snow it is too dangerous to drive and it is too far to walk to accupunture. Keeping my fingers crossed that they grit the roads properly and the cloud misses us!

My energy levels have picked up again, it is funny I went out on my bike today and did exactly the same route as last Sunday in the same amount of time but my heart rate monitor showed that maximum heart rate was 15bpm more that last Sunday and the calorie burn was nearly 20% greater! It just shows how the body can conserve energy when it feel like it needs to and why the exercise to lose weight hypothesis is flawed.

I'll update tomorrow

Amber xxx
Diagnosed March 09
Lap & Dye Aug 09
6 x Clomid 50mg Ov BFN - 24-26 days
1 x clomid 100mg over stimulated
Cyclogest
IVF 1st round - 2 blasts BFN
Letting thing happen naturally
BFP @ 11 wks - Nov 12 mmc 12 wks
BFP @ 8 wks - 21/05/14 EDD 31/12/14
DD born 03/01/15
Amber
 
Posts: 1190
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Location: Hertfordshire

Re: To a better year.. 2013!!!

Postby debs29 » Tue Jan 15, 2013 12:17 pm

Hi Amber - great news about your energy levels and your bike ride with the calorie burn! How is the snow with you? Did you manage to get to your acupuncture?

IVF is such a stressful procedure, I have been through clomid, IUI and an round of IVF and I found IVF less stressful than the others. They could never get my dose of drugs right on IUI as I needed so little a dose that it so easily resulted in too many eggs and we would get cancelled or ovulated too early when the eggs were too small. I don't understand why I need so little drugs and yet never manage to ovulate on my own. PCOS is such a complicated thing!

Those are exactly the attachment theories I have to cover - it is just having to talk about babies. My students even though teenagers are so interested and ask heaps of questions which I am just not ready for. I may have to mention this to my work to see if I can avoid this. Speaking of work I return tomorrow on a 50% workload. I still don't feel ready but I think I have built it up to be worse than it will be. I need to get it over with now.

Another 1lb off this week - a more realistic loss than last week so I am happy with that (although official weigh in is tomorrow - let's hope it doesn't go up!)

Sazwell- definitely trying to stay positive! How are you???

Debbiex
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Re: To a better year.. 2013!!!

Postby Amber » Tue Jan 15, 2013 9:45 pm

Hi Debbie - Good luck with going back to work tomorrow, I am sure you will be fine it is always the anticipation of going back that is worse. What course are you teaching with the attachment theory? Could you swap it for another area for a bit?

Well done with keeping the healthy lifestyle going and losing another pound. Weight can fluctuate a bit so don't get too caught up on the scales, the best judgement is how you clothes fit. If they are feeling loser then you know you are doing well.

I didn't need much in the way of drugs (I think it was gonal-F) in IVF which made me wonder why I needed IVF and by then I had started to ovulate on my own just had a short luteal phase. I am sure PCOS is just the female version of metabolic syndrome and that we are very sensitive to our environments.

I did make it to accupunture yesterday though I was getting a bit concerned about the amount of snow falling out the sky. Luckily is stopped just before I left and it hadn't settled too much on the road. It is really interesting to hear the chinese medicine view of female health. My odd cycles are a completely normal reaction to miscarriage and all the extra blood is clearing anything left over from the miscarriage. This did confuse me at first as my final scan at the EPU showed that my lining was back down to post AF thickness (7mm I think). However chinese medicine goes beyond the visable and includes all the emotional left overs. To the hardcore western scientist that probably sounds like a load of rubbish, however you do have so many emotions left after a miscarriage and it does take time to get back to a level emotional ground to try again. I am going to have another session in 3 weeks, I don't really have time before hand due to so much work to do before the end of the month. There is so much work to do for the statistics assignment in making sure I really know what I am doing. It makes undergraduate stats seem so easy now! I have started dreaming about stats - help!

How is everyone else getting on with their positive thinking and plans now we are half way through January?

Amber xxx
Diagnosed March 09
Lap & Dye Aug 09
6 x Clomid 50mg Ov BFN - 24-26 days
1 x clomid 100mg over stimulated
Cyclogest
IVF 1st round - 2 blasts BFN
Letting thing happen naturally
BFP @ 11 wks - Nov 12 mmc 12 wks
BFP @ 8 wks - 21/05/14 EDD 31/12/14
DD born 03/01/15
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Location: Hertfordshire

Re: To a better year.. 2013!!!

Postby debs29 » Sat Jan 19, 2013 4:18 pm

Hi Amber,

Glad you got to your acupuncture - do you still have heavy snow? We had some snow fall yesterday but it is still mild compared to what we usually get up here.

Work went OK - had a few wobbles - a lot of my students are pregnant which I can deal with but one girl turned round and said that they found out they were having a girl and that set me off crying. I think it was just a bit too personal. However, onwards and upwards - wedding plans going really well and I am starting to feel excited. We have put this off for years so it feels good to be finally going ahead and getting married.

The stats sound like a nightmare - I'm afraid I can offer no help I am absolutely useless :-)

Your acupuncturist makes a lot of sense. I am still in shock at the emotional side of miscarriage and the deep sense of loss I feel - so it makes a lot of sense that your physical cycle will be affected by your emotions. I hope further sessions help you! Only another week until my appointment - I am still nervous about but glad it is nearly here.

Hope you are having a good weekend

Debbiexxx
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Re: To a better year.. 2013!!!

Postby Amber » Sun Jan 20, 2013 5:54 pm

HI Debbie

Glad to hear that your wedding plans are going well and you are now getting excited about it.

I sure you will be fine at work, there always will the chance that people say things and you will get reminders about not being pregnant anymore, so many people don't think about what they say before they do. Sometimes it helps to be honest about what happened and it soons shuts them up.

We have got quite a lot of snow now, so I haven't been out cycling for a week as it is too dangerous. Been out for a walk yesterday and today, however weekdays have been stats full on. I know I need to know them well, especially if I want to go on and do a PhD afterwards, but I will be so glad to get it over and done with at the end of the month. I think the stress of it has stopped my body ovulating eary too, I keep feeling odd things but haven't really got the time to dwell on it. Still it is an excuse to BD and forget the stats for a bit!

Let us know how your next appointment goes

Amber xxxx
Diagnosed March 09
Lap & Dye Aug 09
6 x Clomid 50mg Ov BFN - 24-26 days
1 x clomid 100mg over stimulated
Cyclogest
IVF 1st round - 2 blasts BFN
Letting thing happen naturally
BFP @ 11 wks - Nov 12 mmc 12 wks
BFP @ 8 wks - 21/05/14 EDD 31/12/14
DD born 03/01/15
Amber
 
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Location: Hertfordshire

Re: To a better year.. 2013!!!

Postby Amber » Mon Jan 28, 2013 5:22 pm

Hi Debbie

How are you doing, I haven't heard from you in a while. How did your appointment go last week?

I have made it to day 22 so far, and my skin has finally cleared up. It is so nice to be able to leave the house without a trace of make up and not feel self conscious. My dreaded stats assignment is now completed so I can relax again!

hope you are okay

Amber xxx
Diagnosed March 09
Lap & Dye Aug 09
6 x Clomid 50mg Ov BFN - 24-26 days
1 x clomid 100mg over stimulated
Cyclogest
IVF 1st round - 2 blasts BFN
Letting thing happen naturally
BFP @ 11 wks - Nov 12 mmc 12 wks
BFP @ 8 wks - 21/05/14 EDD 31/12/14
DD born 03/01/15
Amber
 
Posts: 1190
Joined: Sun Mar 29, 2009 7:21 pm
Location: Hertfordshire

Re: To a better year.. 2013!!!

Postby debs29 » Tue Jan 29, 2013 3:45 pm

Hi Amber - how are you?

Thank you very much for wondering about me - if I'm honest I haven't been in a great place. The stress of being back at work and juggling everything again has been really hard. My friend also miscarried two weeks ago and I feel heartbroken for her and it also stirred up my own feelings about my own MC. I also had a lot of stressy appointments all together (smear test/ dentist and follow up hospital appt). They are all over now so I feel much better and am slowly getting more positive. I had my hospital appt this morning and they didn't find any other problems for future pregnancies - PCOS is enough! My Dr was saying that for me he is advising lifestyle changes which I have made already. He also said my OHSS was very severe and putting a huge strain on my body so may have contributed to MC. I feel relieved that there weren't any other issues. I also now feel like we are a couple trying for a baby again rather than a couple who have lost a baby. Psychologically this feels like a huge step forward. I also had to pass the ward where I had my MC and I felt OK. Sorry for selfish rant there - I think I have had weeks of needing to get it all out!

How are you - glad that your skin has cleared up. Do you get bad acne? I have bad skin too - I think I would call it a ruddy complexion but I did have really bad acne when I was younger. How is your cycling going now the snow is clearing up? I think your wellbeing will definitely be better for getting your stats assignment finished! Do you feel more confident with stats now that you are doing an advanced degree and having to dig into them a bit more? I really admire you - I maybe need something to get my teeth into. SInce my MC my concentration is awful. Even with work and I'm only three days my head is all over the place. I have enjoyed seeing my 'kids' again and they were genuinely pleased to see me back. Lots of compliments about my weight loss from colleagues - which does act as some reinforcement! I don't see it so much now (I am used to being this size) so it's nice to be reminded that my hard work is making a difference!

Glad your cycle length is getting longer - do you think its due to less stress or your acupuncture session? When is your next session? Is it next Monday???

Sorry for long absence - but I'm back -and back TTC - we start drugs to induce period on Monday looking for a frozen embryo transfer early in March (fingers crossed our frozen embryos survive!).

Debbie xxxxx
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Re: To a better year.. 2013!!!

Postby Amber » Thu Jan 31, 2013 9:59 pm

Hi Debbie

Glad you appointment was okay and nothing else was wrong. Sounds like you are on track with your weight loss and for your next round of IVF. Hopefully the frozen embryo transfer will be less stressful that the fresh embryo transfer.

I have been feeling really tired and stressed recently. I have been working on my course work every day and I think it finally got to me and I had a bit of a confidence crisis. Still everything will be handed in tomorrow and I am then going to leave everything for a week to get my brain back into shape. I think I will know if I feel more confident with the stats when I get my marks back!

I've had bad skin since my early teens and it never cleared up until recently (25 years later!). I am sure it is the lowish carb, higher fat and protein diet along with less stress that has done it.

I have managed to make it to day 25 this cycle which is promising. Been feeling like AF is on its way though for the past 3 or 4 days so not sure if I will make the full 28 days. Still it is better than the last cycle!

hopefully I will be a bit more with it at the weekend!

Amber xxxx
Diagnosed March 09
Lap & Dye Aug 09
6 x Clomid 50mg Ov BFN - 24-26 days
1 x clomid 100mg over stimulated
Cyclogest
IVF 1st round - 2 blasts BFN
Letting thing happen naturally
BFP @ 11 wks - Nov 12 mmc 12 wks
BFP @ 8 wks - 21/05/14 EDD 31/12/14
DD born 03/01/15
Amber
 
Posts: 1190
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Location: Hertfordshire

Re: To a better year.. 2013!!!

Postby debs29 » Fri Feb 01, 2013 9:11 pm

Hi Amber,

It sounds like you have working really hard, and that never mixes well with us PCOS girls! You have a good grasp of what is good for you - I think your week off will let you rest up and look after you and your stress levels ready for you next assignments. Do you feel better already, now that you got everything submitted? You seemed to be really enjoying your assignments and you sounded so knowledgeable and confident, I think your stats assessment has affected your confidence but I am positive you will have done well! The 25 day cycle is really promising! Still have niggles? Have you any plans for enjoying your time off uni work? I am enjoying my days off work now I'm three days. Have always enjoyed baking but have developed a real enjoyment from cooking now!

I am looking forward to some nice long woodland walks this weekend. I started going to yoga on Wednesday - that was an experience! We walked in and the teacher was on his head - it was meant to be a beginners class! Needless to say the rest was really hard and I couldn't do most of the exercises but I did what I could. I'm going to stick with it because it is free (offered by my work) and it makes me exercise in a different way (I still feel my stomach muscles today!) - it is all for my future babies :-)

Hope you have a good weekend xxxx
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Re: To a better year.. 2013!!!

Postby Amber » Sat Feb 02, 2013 3:24 pm

HI Debbie

Yoga is good for stress, I found that after doing all this course work it was such as relief just to be able to clear my mind through yoga and meditation. I must admit though that head stands are beyond me! Also you according to the yoga philosophy you should never do inverted poses during AF as it affects the flow. Strong stomach muscles are supposed to be good fertility along with all the hip opening exercises.

I did go out for a cycle this morning but still feeling tired from the week. I hope I am not catching DH's cold or maybe it is PMS again. I have made it to day 27 so my luteal phase length is now long enough to enable an embryo to embed. I am suprised because I really thought I had stressed myself out too much this cycle to get a full luteal phase. I am still getting AF like feelings so expecting it to turn up very soon.

I need to do something arty this weekend so maybe I will get out my glass paints which have been abandoned in the cupboard for months.

Amber xxx
Diagnosed March 09
Lap & Dye Aug 09
6 x Clomid 50mg Ov BFN - 24-26 days
1 x clomid 100mg over stimulated
Cyclogest
IVF 1st round - 2 blasts BFN
Letting thing happen naturally
BFP @ 11 wks - Nov 12 mmc 12 wks
BFP @ 8 wks - 21/05/14 EDD 31/12/14
DD born 03/01/15
Amber
 
Posts: 1190
Joined: Sun Mar 29, 2009 7:21 pm
Location: Hertfordshire

Re: To a better year.. 2013!!!

Postby debs29 » Sun Feb 03, 2013 4:50 pm

HI Amber,

I think I can safely say that the inverted poses are well beyond me! I didn't do much in my class but I felt my stomach muscles for three days afterwards so at least I know that it is doing me some good. The meditation bit at the end is brilliant - I feel as though I am floating! I also felt full of energy and really positive for a day or two afterwards.

Glad you have been managing your cycle and glad you are scheduling some you time by doing some crafty things. Did you manage to get your glass paints out? What sort of things do you paint? I found I had a crafty side about 6 years ago and I try my hand to a few things but never tried glass painting. I did a course in stained glass a few years back and I really enjoyed it.

How is your cycle going? Are you still having cramps? When would you do a test in your cycle if AF hadn't turned up? Hope you are feeling less stressed now all your work has been handed in.

Debbiexxx
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Re: To a better year.. 2013!!!

Postby Amber » Sun Feb 03, 2013 8:09 pm

HI Debbie

I did do a bit of the painting but it is quite bitty as I am not using flat glass so you have to let bits dry before going on. To be quite honest I haven't been that motivated today, I think I have just done so much recently I just needed one of those lazy days. I will be more organised tomorrow! Still doing some yoga this evening perked me up a bit.

I am feeling the PMS kicking in to, AF is officially due tomorrow and now I can feel the bloating and skin getting greasy. I won't bother testing if it doesn't show tomorrow as it may just be a bit late. I will give it until at least next weekend to show up before considering a test as there is always the possibility I could have experienced a chemical pregnancy with all the cramping and that may delay AF for a couple of days. However I know the feeling of falling progesterone levels so it is just a case of waiting now.

How is your cycle, have you managed to ovulate as a rebound of your mc?

Amber xxxx
Diagnosed March 09
Lap & Dye Aug 09
6 x Clomid 50mg Ov BFN - 24-26 days
1 x clomid 100mg over stimulated
Cyclogest
IVF 1st round - 2 blasts BFN
Letting thing happen naturally
BFP @ 11 wks - Nov 12 mmc 12 wks
BFP @ 8 wks - 21/05/14 EDD 31/12/14
DD born 03/01/15
Amber
 
Posts: 1190
Joined: Sun Mar 29, 2009 7:21 pm
Location: Hertfordshire

Re: To a better year.. 2013!!!

Postby debs29 » Mon Feb 04, 2013 11:27 am

Morning Amber!

It seems like your cycle and forthcoming PMS have all made you feel a bit bleugh! I think you need to know pressure yourself to do anything and just do what you fancy when you fancy it. I always feel bad if I don't do housework or visit people when I am off work but now I know that I just need to give myself days where I don't plan anything and just do wee bits and bobs when I feel up to it. Glad the yoga helped - do you use a video or do you know all the poses yourself now?

It must be good to be so in tune with your body . I think I should start taking note of changes just to see if anything is happening at all. I haven't ovulated as far as I know. I have on occasions been getting 'niggles' in my ovaries but no idea what that is - perhaps just PCOS? I am noticing that my hair growth is slowing down in my problem areas - so that has really motivated me with my exercise and healty eating. My BMI is creeping down towards 27 so I am really pleased and just want to keep going. When I was pregnant my BMI was over 31. The only good thing I can take from my MC is that it has changed me in terms of eating etc. Us PCOSers all know diet and exercise is important but I really needed a kick to take notice. Dropping hours at work is the best decision - I enjoy pottering in the kitchen chopping veg and cooking with music on and as a result I am organised with my meals lunches and snacks so no need to grab on the go anymore. I also love baking so if I fancy a sweet thing I bake it as at least it is less processed than buying a cake or biscuit. You mentioned that you thougth your diet helped your skin etc and you ovulate regularly. What would a typical day be like? Do you cut out all treats? I would love to ovulate naturally - although we do have a slight male fertility issue as well so treatment may still be the only way for us.

I start my norethestirone (apologise for spelling) today. So we are officially on the IVF road again -although the frozen transfer (all being well) seems to be less stressful. I need to take weeks and weeks of drugs though - HRT and buserilin. I am trying not to think about side effects.

I hope you manage to have a good day - be kind to yourself.

Debbiexxxx
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