Best friend has let me down after my mc - now ignoring me

[superhannahmarie2012]

I'm sorry to have to rant but I feel so hurt at the moment and don't really have anywhere else I can vent.

Last June I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant, but had a mc just a few days after my bfp. There were complications and I ended up in hospital following a d&c and ongoing problems. I broke up with my partner just a few weeks later and had to move back to Oxfordshire to be with my family as I had nowhere else to go.

My best friend (I'll call her S) whom I have always loved very much and shared a particular bond of trust with over many years, was a rock during this time - she supported me and helped me get back on my feet following the breakup, although the mc wasn't discussed as I couldn't face it at the time. However, in March this year I started going for counselling to help me with this. On the anniversary of my mc I went back to the city I had previously lived in when it happened and visited the infants memorial garden to lay some flowers and spend a few hours reflecting. It was an extremely painful experience and left me emotionally exhausted. Yet despite having mentioned several times to S that I was doing this, she completely forgot - I didn't recieve a call or text from her at all that day and when I saw her next it was obvious that she was completely oblivious to how difficult that day had been for me.

I was upset as you might imagine, so I confronted her and pointed out that I felt she had let me down and hurt me. Her response was completely unexpected - she became furiously angry towards me, saying that I was being nasty and deliberately trying to hurt her! When she eventually apologised for forgetting it could not have been more uncaring and indifferent - 'Meh, sorry' pretty much sums it up.

This has resulted in a very upsetting ongoing fight for the past month or so. The more hurt I feel by my friend's actions, the more angry I become, and I end up venting it at her. All the rage and disgust I feel for myself ends up being flung at her, and she responds in kind by being cold, hostile and plain nasty.This has also caused a lot of tension in our group of friends, with the majority of people siding with her for reasons I cannot fully understand and rejecting my attempts to socialise or interact with them. This has caused me to feel even more lost and alone as I cannot help feeling that I have not just lost S, but all of my other friends at the same time!

Eventually this week I recieved a letter from her containing a sincere apology for letting me down when I needed her help, but she has also told me that she cannot be my friend anymore as she can't deal with my anger and nastiness. I replied, saying thank you for her apology and that it meant a lot to me. I told her that although I feel we can no longer be very close friends because of the broken trust between us, I still care about her very much and would like to continue to see and socialise with her. I asked for her patience while I continue with my counselling and explained that I did not mean to direct my anger at her. She has not replied to this, and has ignored my messages on text and fb since asking if she would like to meet to go for dinner - my peace offering.

I am now so lost and don't know what to do or where to turn for help. Not only is S ignoring me, but all but one of my other friends have blanked me as well.

Should I continue to try and make peace with her, or is it time to let this friendship go? If I lose S, then there is a good chance I will lose my other friends as well. The only way I will be allowed back into my social group is if I make peace with S - she knows this and is still ignoring me.

[Hols969]

I would continue to try and make friends and apologise again. Thing is, sorry this may sound harsh, but other people dont remember these sort of things and some may say that at 6 weeks you were hardly pregnant anyway (a lot dont realise the struggles we may have with PCOS and how being pregnant really is for us so it is really not the same at all for them and they will not appreciate it). I think you reacted very strongly which perhaps was unfair to your friend especially as she has supported you at the time etc and you didnt want to discuss it overly and she does have her own life as well. If you do value her friendship I would ask if you can go and have a coffee and explain how you are feeling etc and really forgive her for forgetting it, Im sure with everything going on for you in the last year you may have forgotten to ask her how she is etc when you were having a rough tim, it is swings and roundabouts really and she has supported you as a friend should but you shouldnt be so hard on her just because she has forgotten. Sorry hope I havent upset you more by my response!!

[Lilybels]

I think just try to let her go, she obviously isn't interested in trying to make an effort to understand what you are going through. My own best friend turned her back on me and even accused me of faking a miscarriage, she was by then pregnant and was so absorbed in her own happiness that she didn't want to deal with my pain, she was never really there to support me in the first place.

You are better off investing your energy in the people who truly care about you.