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judgemental comments

PostPosted: Sat Nov 19, 2011 3:23 pm
by beaglelady
Over the last few weeks I have been treated like a leper or had comments made to me by other women who have been lucky enough to have children. Without telling them I have had multiple surgeries and miscarriages I have just said it hasnt happened for me. I find this so judgemental we cant all be in the mummy club. It really pees me off. [/u]

PostPosted: Sat Nov 19, 2011 4:23 pm
by Verve
hugs hun. I'm always surprised by how many people directly ask about kids when it's not really any of their business. I haven't ever asked someone 'when you having kids' but others are not as subtle. xxx

PostPosted: Tue Nov 22, 2011 1:18 pm
by beaglelady
Sorry I just needed a rant. Just a simple thing like getting my hair done upset me as it wasnt my usual girl who wouldnt quiz me about children. I got the classic oh have you been a career girl then speech. I definitely think women who cant have them get treated differently.

PostPosted: Tue Nov 22, 2011 2:16 pm
by Hols969
I think generally people think it is 'odd' if you dont want them to be honest but you havent said that, you have said it hasnt happened to you.

Dont take it to heart beaglelady, some people are just thoughtless and truly dont understand anything about infertility. I dont think anyone knows really until they have been through it themselves and for the end result to mean that you cant have children.

Remind yourself that you really truly are a very strong woman, so just ignore them.

Everyone has an opinion and a thought on things and sometimes people do need to bite their tongue. Next time you bite it for them :-)

PostPosted: Tue Nov 22, 2011 4:01 pm
by Kasha
Lots of love to you. Been on the receiving end myself and its really not nice.
You definitely get treated differently when you dont have kids. People think you're some kind of wierdo. But sod 'em! They don't know the whole story so leave em to it!

PostPosted: Tue Nov 22, 2011 6:50 pm
by beaglelady
Thanks ladies for your kind words. Im probably a bit tetchy too as im having a real flare up with my cysts. Not seeing my gynae for a month and the only gp that is any good is away for 3 weeks trying to keep it at bay with acupuncture.

PostPosted: Tue Nov 22, 2011 7:46 pm
by CysterSister90
Hi beaglelady,

I just wanted to say I know how you feel. Ok I am only 21 and I haven't been through half of what you have so I won't know exactly. But a lot of my friends from school and college that were young mums and then other people like my hairdresser that are young and settling down often ask me why I don't have any yet. Well apart from the fact I don't want to bring my first child up in a 2 bed ex council house with both my parents and my sister living at home things would be a tad cramped! I don't even know how my PCOS has affected my fertility yet and I'm one of these people who find it easier not to get excited about something until it is actually nearer happening. I normally end up saying something like "Oh I don't know about children yet" then get the great lecture about wanting a career etc. Then depending on my mood either swallow it down like a pill or I will actually go into the fact I don't know if I can yet, then I get that look as if I'm sub female, and it literally does feel like, let alone all the excess hair and other symptoms that the fact I can't have children makes me even less of a women than those who can. Yes it does upset me unfortunately I think it is a fact of life as a PCOS sufferer without children. Without having it tattooed to our foreheads I don't think it will ever get any easier either.

I've started waffling now, but sending you big hugs and I hope you are feeling better soon.

Liz x

Re: judgemental comments

PostPosted: Thu Jul 26, 2012 9:25 pm
by Verve
I know for a fact that my husband's friends and family think I don't want any kids if only they knew. I keep hearing the words 'career focussed' when they mention me, so bloody irritating and so wrong.

Re: judgemental comments

PostPosted: Wed Sep 05, 2012 9:29 am
by beaglelady
Why is it that us childless ladies are seen as being incapable of wanting to be pleased for others who have had children? Or that we won’t crumble every time there is another announcement at work or similar. As my counsellor has said to me if I spent the rest of my life being bitter that won’t help or be constructive for me. Yet when I do try to show genuine happiness for others it is either misconstrued or thrown back in my face. Think I’ll become a bitter twisted old bag instead.

Re: judgemental comments

PostPosted: Tue Sep 11, 2012 9:53 am
by joy
Hiya I know exactly how u feel believe me!! I've had it for 20 years! And Tbh it pisses me off!!! I even went for an interview once and was asked if i had children and after saying no she said oh good ul be very reliable then!! I've had comments like ur not a true woman until I've given birth! Wat a load of crap!! It's constant, wen people ask how many kids u got they look at u as if u got 2 heads! I once parked in a bay in Tesco for parents, I'd had surgery a few days prior and was closer to the store, I know I shudnt have but hey. Web I come out I had a row so I said oh I'm sorry I'm infertile and can't have children! With that he just walked off and said nothing lol, naughty I know. U get used to it but it does get u down!! Xx

Re: judgemental comments

PostPosted: Fri Oct 19, 2012 7:55 pm
by emons mum
oh i wish i would have seen this sooner, for years i put up with them comments and always said nothing and was left feeling angry, sad and useless. then i did fall pregnant naturally but unfortunately my daughter died aged 1 month old in 2005. i moved 100 miles away after that happened and it got worse with peoples comments but now i just say, well actually i had a girl, she died and now i have discovered im infertile, i have had ivf 3 times and miscarried twins twice and now i am learning to live with the fact i might not ever be a mum, but i am a great auntie! it is a bit mean to make them feel bad but i have 2 say i love having that power! i am in control of the conversation and they are left not knowing what 2 say! x

Re: judgemental comments

PostPosted: Mon Nov 26, 2012 4:09 pm
by KimsHeart
Hi beaglelady, You don't have to apologise for the way insensitive remarks make you feel. I've also been on the receiving end of hurtful and insensitive remarks, and it stinks. As it has already been said, it's none of people's business why we don't have children. It's a personal thing. I think it's just an accepted part of life now for people who know me, yet sometimes I get a comment or two, especially from religious people. No one can fix the problem, but they think they have all the great advise anyway. People have willingly made themselves my doctor, sex guru, nutritionist, counsellor ... gosh you name it, I've had comments about it. The worst comments for me are those telling me that it's "God's will!" - again putting themselves up as judge, juror and executioner. I could realllllyyyyy go to town asking them if they are somehow better than me to obtain a gift from 'God' ie children. I'll not go into all the things that go through my mind, but it certainly does bring a lot of anger and resentment up through me. Anyway, I'll quit talking now as I can feel myself wanting to go off on a rant.