how do i convince oh to adopt?

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how do i convince oh to adopt?

Postby beaglelady » Wed Jan 19, 2011 11:29 am

As you will know I have had to take the decision to stop ttc due to health problems and also I don't feel now that at nearly 40 and 3 miscarriages down the line I have any chance of a lasting pregnancy.

I would dearly love to adopt know it is a long procedure and no guarantees but OH says he does not like the idea of another persons child. It also didn't help that he watched a programme about Jeremy Bamber the chap who murdered his adoptive parents and he then said to me look you could end up with a nutcase! His sisters have tried to talk to him but he just says no. How can I convince him to at least make some enquiries?

Any advice appreciated.
Last edited by beaglelady on Wed Jan 19, 2011 3:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.
had the lot pcos endometriosis, adenomyosis and fibroids. now in early surgical menopause.
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Postby zanussi » Wed Jan 19, 2011 2:36 pm

I'm sorry to hear your sad news but I hope you can at last get some relief from the pain.

I really don't know what to suggest regarding your hubby and his feelings towards adoption. You need to make him see how important it is for you to to at least find out more information. His argument about ending up with a nutcase is completely rubbish- I'm sure there are far more cases of children killing their natural parents!

At our clinic at Calderdale Hospital, there is an adoption counsellor available to and she may be able to help you (Not sure exactly where you live though...) You can email her directly at ruth.parker@ukonline.co.uk and she may be able to help you and talk to him about his concerns.

Hope you can get him to at least consider it xxx
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Postby beaglelady » Thu Jan 20, 2011 4:05 pm

Thank you Zanussi

I am under a gynae privately in Manchester so cannot access the nhs services unless I went onto his nhs lists which are over 18 weeks long so do nto have any of this support. Wish I did.

Am going to try and talk to my OH again over the weekend. Just wish I didn't feel so rubbish about all of this.
had the lot pcos endometriosis, adenomyosis and fibroids. now in early surgical menopause.
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Postby zanussi » Thu Jan 20, 2011 6:26 pm

You could try emailing that lady and seeing if she can offer any advice or assistance in your area, after all, adoption is handled by local authorities so is really nothing to do with the NHS. In case you do want to try that the web-page I found her details from is here: http://www.cht.nhs.uk/index.php?id=260 towards the bottom. I'm not sure who she works for or whether you can see her provately but I'm sure she'd be able to pass you onto someone else if she can't help you. You'll see there are lots of other links on there to adoption sites and agencies so you should be able to find someone to talk to about whether adoption is suitable for you both.

Thinking of you xxx
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Postby Verve » Thu Jan 20, 2011 10:05 pm

It sounds like he probably needs some proper information and Social Serviced may be the best bet. People can be afraid of the unknown and the stories in the papers don't help. xx
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Postby beaglelady » Sat Jan 22, 2011 4:00 pm

Ive spoken to two local authorities near me and it turns out they would not accept us at present anyway as I have am prob going to have to have more surgery. Been told to contact them in six months. Joined a charity called more to life to see if I can get support from others who cannot have children.
had the lot pcos endometriosis, adenomyosis and fibroids. now in early surgical menopause.
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Postby looey82 » Sun Jan 23, 2011 11:44 am

Hi Beaglelady,
I'm so so sorry that your ttc journey seems to be coming to an end- I know how much you wanted to not have to make the decision to stop. It must be an extremely hard decision to make.
I have looked into fostering/adopting and they have the rule that they will not consider people currently having fertility treatment and everyone must wait for 6 months after the decision to stop- so it's not just you.
I have also looked at the moretolife website and it seems like the best place to go to seek support and to make a start at grieving for the huge loss that comes with the decision to move on. I really hope that you can find some comfort there.
In regards to your DH, I think you need tp keep talking about things and make it so clear to him that this is what you want to pursue and that you won't feel complete without this, and that this won't just go away. Obviously you both need to be onboard so I really sympathise with your situation and can understnad that you really want him to want this as much as you. There are so many stories of happy adoptions, although it is true that the majority of children who are adopted have extra needs due to their life so far.
I work with 2 children who are adopted and I won't pretend that their parents have found things easy. BUT watching Dad's face when his son stands up in an assembly and reads out his work and then gives Dad the thumbs up is absolutely priceless- you couldn't imagine a prouder Dad.
It's a big decision to make and you know now that you have 6 months before anything can happen. Keep talking about it but try not to force things too fast and I imagine( like most things) men need to just have a little more time to consider what they really want and make a commitment!!!
I wish you all the luck in the world. Love Looey xxxxx
TTC Mar 08
Clomid#1 May 09-BFP- MMC at 9+2wks
Natural BFP- Dec 09! Lost baby girl at 18+5 wks due to pPROM
12 clomid cycles & 2 x FSH injections with IUI- BFNs
IVF#1- 25 eggs, 8 fertilised, 1 back + 4 frosties!
IVF BFP- Clexane & prog injections, low dose steroids & aspirin
Aug 12- DS born at 27+5wks after 10 weeks of problems
TTC#2 Nov 13
Mar 14- FET 1 embryo transfered- BFP- early MC
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Postby Hols969 » Wed Jan 26, 2011 1:29 pm

Im adopted and havent murdered anyone yet ..... occasionally think about it tho .....

From my mums point of view (I had 2 older brothers who arent adopted), she couldnt have any more and she has felt the same about me as her 'biological' children. I have felt the same as my brothers too. Blood really is immaterial and it is down to how the child is brought up by the parents, thats the tough bit and sets them up for life and thats the great think that your OH would do. You wouldnt instantly love the child, but some dont with their own babies, but you learn to love them as your own and they are yours, you are your parents, the child just didnt come out of your belly.

I think it would be a wonderful thing for you both to do, you have had such a tough time of it and maybe it still has the light at the end of the tunnel for you when stopping TTC as that is a tough thing to do.

I agree with Looey that you just need to continue discussing it especially if it is something you would really like to do. I dont know if it is the same but when I was adopted, there was a 6 week window to see whether you and child get on etc, Im sure there would be something similar. There may be children that you dont bond with so you may want to let your OH know that it is not compulsory for you to keep the child suggested if you struggle to bond and that sort of thing does happen (but think its rate). That could be a fear of his that you wont get on with the child etc.

Hopefully the charity can give you support too. I know when I was preg and they thought it was a mc (and then had to wait 48 hrs) we had decided we couldnt do it all again, my god its hard so you have done pretty well I think to stay as sane as you are!! I know you havent got the desired results really BUT you would be a great person in that you have coped with what life has thrown at you and would be a great influence for any child waiting for adoption.

let us know how it goes though.
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Postby beaglelady » Wed Jan 26, 2011 4:33 pm

Thank you Holly I am very touched by your comments

I am now thinking that maybe once my hysterectomy is done prob at end of March I want a few months of normality to have some holidays, find a part-time job rather than full-time and just have some me time and then focus on our next step so that I am in the right frame of mind and have a chance to talk to my OH.
had the lot pcos endometriosis, adenomyosis and fibroids. now in early surgical menopause.
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