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How do you know you don't want children?

PostPosted: Sat Jun 26, 2010 8:02 am
by hfw
Not posted for a while but this has been playing on my mind. Just read it back and its a bit long so warning and sorry.

So this is probably one of those things that no one can really answer for you but is something that has been playing on my mind for a while.

I was always desperate for kids but as soon as I got married that desperation disappeared. After 6 years of marriage we have started the fert clinic route but i am now not entirely sure I actually want kids after all.

The thing is though that I don't want to stop trying and in ten years regret not having tried harder.

I have so much I want to do and it's not like kids will get in the way of that but I don't need them to fill a hole in my life like some of my friends do. Hubby and I are both only kids so there are no neices and nephews to 'borrow' as other childless friends do and I am fearful that we will be lonely and alone when our parents die. Not a reason to have kids but will be odd to have no other family when they have gone.

We have friends who have no fert probs but have decided not to have kids and never regretted it but they have large families and such. Hubby says he's not fussed either way and will only go down fert route for me. I thought once I would do anything for kids but now, after having friends go through Ivf i don't think I would go through it myself. I also have a friend who although she loves her kids, if she had her time over wouldn't have kids now.

I know I don't have to make a decsision now and I could just see what happens and I am sure if I got pregnant I would be over the moon but I also don't want to be an old mum so I at some point I will decide to staret using contraception again.

So, this has turned into a bit of a ramble and I guess what I am really asking is for those of you who decided not to have kids, how did you know you didn;t want them.

Cheers and sorry for boring you.

PostPosted: Wed Jun 30, 2010 11:58 am
by Hols969
I think fear plays a big role. If you could have children easily would you go for it?

I was never particularly broody but my hubbie wanted children so I went down the fertility route for him really, to be honest I never thought I would have children and it didnt worry me but having Noah has been the best thing in my life ever and Im so pleased I tried.

When i was pregnant early on and they thought it was ectopic I had actually decided I couldnt do it all again and that was it but Noah hung on and is now 4 1/2.

Only you can decide really but it easy to get caught up in things and you do become more selfish about things the older you get. Also the fear of it not working may play a big part for us pcos ladies as sometimes you think if I dont even bother to try then I wont be disappointed as it can be a long and emotional road.

The reason i did was the thought that in 20 years time would I be disappointed that I had never tried harder for one and for me the answer was yes.

PostPosted: Mon Jul 05, 2010 7:38 pm
by hfw
Thanks Holly,

I know it's all a bit of as random question and no one can answer for me. It's just useful to gain other perspectives I suppose. and the thing I am worried about is, like you, regretting not trying harder later down the line.

Oh well, just have to try and figue it all out I suppose.

Thanks again. :roll:

PostPosted: Tue Jul 06, 2010 11:01 am
by Hols969
I think if you try and it doesnt work then so be it. I think I would always have wondered if I hadnt tried. But saying that Im not sure how I would have felt if we had tried and it had all failed in the end as that could be very emotional too, even if you arent the broodiest person in the world.

I know someone else that wasnt broody at all and they toyed with the idea of trying or not which they did and they now have 2 so I dont know anyone that has really regretted having them. Yes they are expensive and frustrating sometimes but they are also a real joy and they are your flesh and blood so it is an amazing feeling of love you have for them, which is totally different to any other love (even your partner).

Do what is right for you and your OH and if you decide its not for you then its not, there is nothing wrong with that.

PostPosted: Sun Jul 17, 2011 8:40 pm
by ShadyLady
i chose not to have kids from an early age early 20's, i like my freedom and i know i would struggle to bring up a child.

when i was diagnosed with pcos and they said it might be difficult for me to concieve i just realy accepted it, which is a good thing.

PostPosted: Mon Jul 18, 2011 11:42 am
by wobdot
When I was 21 I stopped taking the pill, after a long relationship & a few short ones I never got pregnant not that I was trying.

It was not until I met my hubby that I gave it a thought & by then I was 33.

After we got married we tried & after 2 years nothing happen, we both went & got checked out. I found I have PCOS & hubby has a very low sperm count.

Due to me being over weight I would have to lose a lot of weight before we was considered for IVF but our PCT changed the age for IVF from 32-39 to 30-35, at the time of this happening I was 36.

So we decided not pursue it any further.

That was 2 years ago, we are both very happy in our life's and have a nephew & niece & friend's children that we babysit or stay over for a weekend.

Do we regret the decision ?

Sometimes, but we feel that it was never meant to be.

PostPosted: Fri Aug 26, 2011 5:23 pm
by Jojo83
I am my mums oldest child out of 3. As well as getting babies, I have also known her have several miscarriages and a still birth plus nearly dying in child birth therefore it is something I have always feared myself in a way.

Plus I had problems in my teens that made me decide the world was a horrible place and that I wouldn't want to bring kids up in!

Since then I found happiness with my husband - he has two children from his previous marriage, who I have seen grow over the past 5 years and that has softened me towards the children aspect.

I never wanted kids BUT now having become a step-mum I find it hard when we take my husbands kids home. They have certain aspects of their behaviour that annoy me but I know that is because they have few rules at home, it just leaves u feeling like you can do better! But we can't afford the battle to change things!

Therefore knowing it has hurt my husband not being able to bring up his kids, and I know he wants the chance again I came off the pill and was then confronted with PCOS! I'm just left wondering if deep down I always knew I would have problems, as I have always felt in the past that I would never and that I possibly couldn't have children??? Suppose that's one of them silly things that I shouldn't dwell on..... Now I don't know what I want or what will happen. :(

Re: How do you know you don't want children?

PostPosted: Thu Aug 21, 2014 4:32 pm
by chantel
This is the million dollar question ?

Firstly there is the guy - Do you have the right man?
Secondly circumstances are you happy with your circumstances. the decison should Not be based on financial, or career, or your age ????

If the question is reversed I would say when you can take on the responsibility. I just saw a pic of Thandie Newton and her baby booker, she is a really great lucky - perhaps think of all the advantages in being a great mum!!

Having children is a basic human right...a time of natural human progression. If you decide not - then a family also consists of brother sisters and aunts and uncles. My own brother separated from grilfriend when baby was 1, had been fighting a year long struggle to see son through legal system

I have another friend a a single parent with three children....

Difficult decision my own attitude is if it happens!!!! I can not spend my life going through this torture, I have been treated for depression over this same issue. I haven't even got the guts to tell psychiatrist in case I am labled bad mum before I even start. Visicious circle In the end I chose to accept some things In life I can not control.

PCOS diagnosis 2009
Bloods 2011

periods every month br one or three days late had 9mths worth of regular periods now, lost 3lb another 3lb to go...someone please reply and make me happy!!!

Re: How do you know you don't want children?

PostPosted: Thu Aug 21, 2014 4:33 pm
by chantel

Re: How do you know you don't want children?

PostPosted: Mon Oct 20, 2014 8:00 pm
by wrigglepup
Hello haven't been here long, how is it going?, I have never really been bothered about being a mum also never had a fella who wanted children. So when I found out that I have pcos that kind of sealed the deal I guess. But I 'd say go with the flow and if you change your mind you can try for a baby. A girl I used to know was a larger lady she has the same as us I have heard she lost her weight and went on to have two children.
I myself have a very busy life, I work full time, it's not a career just a min wage factory job but I love work. I'd say just take each day at a time x

Re: How do you know you don't want children?

PostPosted: Mon Oct 20, 2014 8:16 pm
by chantel
Thanks wrigglepup

Its difficult , sometimes i think i'd like to try but so much against me. i'm in the process of changing jobs careers and so i'm building this into the decision making.

i got a little cat because i thought it might probably fill the empty space in my heart.
I did meet a guy who is older than me but he's already has children does not want to get married again really only wanted to be a bachelor but
other guys i know it said they would have children but then they don't want to get married which is really odd
38 years old now i think it's too late
not unless i try meet a younger guy

Re: How do you know you don't want children?

PostPosted: Thu Oct 23, 2014 7:05 pm
by wrigglepup
Hi Chantel,
I don't understand the don't want to marry thing, a second time may be you might have cold feet I suppose. Though I did get married on dad's birthday, I realised his b'day fell on a Saturday the next year, didn't want to wait another 6 years so managed to get him to agree to it, as for age to have children, well I was 13 when dad died and he was only 34 presumably fit and healthy. My partner's dad was 40 when he was born, I knew my father in law longer than my dad. There is no answer as far as I can see, you just have to do your best. XXX

Re: How do you know you don't want children?

PostPosted: Thu Oct 23, 2014 7:23 pm
by chantel
Its difficult to meet the right person - wriggle-pup did u mention ur dad died young? how awful. Maybe your telling me life is a chance.

38 with pros
bloods 2011 too scared to go back to GP and Gynae. perhaps I should forget about children.

Re: How do you know you don't want children?

PostPosted: Sat Oct 25, 2014 9:54 pm
by wrigglepup
Yeah I agree its awkward meeting new partners these days, I always prefered it if I could do it through my social circle, too nervous for blind dates.
My parents had me at 22, all was pretty perfect till sadly dad died, but he was really happy and had a full life though short. It just makes me realise that there is no perfect time to start a family as many people have children in their late 30's early 40's and will live to be great grandparents.
Oh I forgot to mention that my husband doesn't want children.
Hope you find that special person soon, he could be in the most unexpected time and place you never know!