A place where you can discuss adoption and moving on after the TTC journey

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Postby Verve » Sun May 23, 2010 7:18 pm

Decided to look at all options re having children and went on an adoption web site with an open mind. I was immediately shocked by a rather frank opening statement saying something like 'the child is not yours, it belongs to someone else but you are taking legal responsibility'. I read on and there was almost nothing positive just going on about there being 'no new borns' and it can take years. I'm not sure what this sort of honesty is supposed to achieve I would imagine that most people want to be empowered.

I work with a number of people who are adopted and some who have had their children removed and it's a complex process. Abandonment issues are a big thing.
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Postby zanussi » Mon May 24, 2010 5:42 pm

From what I've read of the adoption process it can be a very intrusive & mentally stressful experience so I think you have to be a very strong person to go through with it. Perhaps all the negativity on the websites is there to put people off who wouldn't be able to cope with the process or who don't realise how adoption has changed over the years. I always thought than when you adopted a child that was it, the child was yours and there would be no contact with the birth family until the child was an adult and chose to make contact but I think that nowadays that isn't often not the case.
We're currently preparing ourselves for our 2nd IVF attempt but if we get the same result as last time we'll be looking into adoption, however the prospect of that absolutely petrifies me! I think it's the thought that throughout our TTC journey I've been subjected to so much poking and prodding and physical violation and the adoption process will do the same only mentally (if that makes sense!).
I'm so scared that the social workers will disapprove as we don't have a lot of experience with children, we don't live near to our families so we're kind of on our own and my family background isn't the best. I know we'll make fantastic parents but what if they don't agree? How are we meant to cope with that? I'm not sure if I'm strong enough...
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Postby beaglelady » Tue May 25, 2010 2:53 pm


In my view you will be better equipped to deal with the stresses of adoption with having already gone through ivf and the ttc journey. I hope you don't need to go down thsi route and your treatment works.
had the lot pcos endometriosis, adenomyosis and fibroids. now in early surgical menopause.
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Postby Hols969 » Tue May 25, 2010 3:43 pm

Im not sure its right to be honest. Im adopted and I was as good as their child so its an odd saying really, its not blood relationship but does that really matter.

I knew it would be rare to get babies I have to say and if there are any then its often because of a mother who is an alcoholic/dugs etc so babies are rare.

We are just looking into the Fostering route at the moment as its a quicker way forward and we can see if its for us.

Tatie is the lady to ask as she has been through the process and I think found it all ok, but it is a long old process.

I think take your time looking at agencies as there are so many to choose from or maybe join a few.

Dont get put off though and speak to Tatie as Im sure she will help you with any queries you have.
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Postby Hols969 » Tue Jun 01, 2010 2:57 pm

One thing I did find out at our fostering interview is that we went direct to the west sussex council rather than one of the agencies and they said that they try and house with the people registered wtih them but particularly difficult children who have behavoural problems etc get put out to agencies and they find foster parents so that may be the same process for adoption (obviously dont really know!!) but thought it was worth a mention.
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Postby tatie » Fri Aug 27, 2010 7:40 pm

Hi ladies - hope I can inject some positives here- with regard to the child is not yours issue - I found it really helpful when I started to understand that adoption is the child's story not mine. Adopting a child will be part of my life story but the child will have their own story to tell relating to their life before adoption and that means that there will always be a part of them that is not mine - and that is only right and proper.

As for mentally exhausting and intrusive - it depends on your relationship with your Social Worker and your willingness to be completely open and honest. Me and DH enjoyed telling our story and yes, you do have to delve pretty deep but, if I was responsible for choosing parents for a child, I'd want the full warts and all version of the prospective parents too. We really enjoyed the process - it's a unique opportunity to reflect on your situation and your relationship. Having been through the fertility treatment did help especially as we had had some counselling and this had taught us how to talk and reflect. Our Social worker describes us as 'thinking parents' and this is really important as children in care can give you lots to think about and you may well need to be open to the possibility of admitting you - or the child - need help!

Please do join us on the Anyone starting adoption thread - we're getting close now!

Hope you're all making progress on your individual journey xXx
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Re: Strange

Postby crazyDiane » Fri Aug 28, 2015 8:30 pm

Hello Girls! I want to adopt a baby - I think about the new baby born girl. I want to have her as my own baby. i think that I wont have babies any more, so the adoption is the best way. But, on the other hand, I am on Inofem right now, and as I read on the web, this is something new a good, so maybe maybe... :)
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