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Partner doesn't want kids.

PostPosted: Tue May 26, 2009 4:14 pm
by cheeryblaze
My partner of 6 years has decided he now doesn't want children. After many years I am finally having regular periods so have a chance of conceiving. And If i don't, I don't. But my chance has been taken away. There is no question of me wanting to split up but I am gutted. I don't have time on my side either as I am nearly 40. Even though the chance at my age is small, it's still a chance. I thought it might be his way of making things easier for me but no he just does not want them now. We haven't even had to have treatment so it's not like we've been through intervention like other couples. I only wanted a chance. Nothing else, I wouldn't intend persuing fertility treatment if it didnt happen. He doesnt want counselling or couple therapy as he he says he just doesnt want kids, and thats that, there's nothing to explore with counsellors.
Anyone in a similar situation ?

PostPosted: Tue May 26, 2009 4:34 pm
by crystalwitch
Hi Cheeryblaze,

I don't have personal experience of this, as both DH and I have always known we don't want kids (since before I got diagnosed with PCOS) so it's not been an issue for us. Just wanted to respond really as I feel so sorry for you that he would suddenly say this without warning - I presume that in the past he was interested in having kids?? Have you any idea why he would suddenly decide that he doesn't want them? It's all very well for him to say 'he doesn't want counselling' but what about you? I don't mean to insult you or your DH but based solely on what you've said in your post he seems very selfish. At the very least, if he's going to deny you your chance of conceiving he should be prepared to sit down and discuss it with you and give you some honest answers - if you don't get this now, I think it will fester away inside you and really affect your relationship at some point in the future as you'll always have that resentment there. Even if he won't go to counselling, maybe you should consider it for yourself - I believe that places like Relate will counsel you singly, and you can try for counselling on the NHS if you can't afford to go private (I'm currently waiting for my referral for this).

Good luck! ((((hugs)))) I hope you manage to get to the bottom of this!

PostPosted: Tue May 26, 2009 5:53 pm
by cheeryblaze
Thanks for the reply. In honesty, I had been ambivalent in the past about having kids as my main worry was getting well with my PCOS so he had never overtly said he didn't want kids. I never overtly said I did.We should have discussed it but didn't. We tried Relate, it was truly awful. I was absolutely patronised by the counsellor who made no attempt to maintain a neutral stance. She more or less told me to get over it and get on with my life. Even my partner was shocked at how harsh she was, I would have made a complaint but I don't want my private matters being discussed with even more people. Yes I agree, the issue will fester. My partner doesn't feel that having kids will enhance our relationship and also feels he might not be able to be a good enough father. For me, the counsellor should have worked on this issue with my partner. I don't believe he is selfish although can see how that might be percievd. He is a very kind,generous, loving man and respects that I might decide to leave but he just does not feel able to have kids now and it would be awful to have a child that s not wanted. We can all change our minds so we are at an impasse. BUut all th same I am very gratful for your sympathy and advice. THanks.

PostPosted: Tue May 26, 2009 7:56 pm
by Hols969
What a difficult one for you. I think part of the problem as you get older you become more selfish in what you do etc and having a child is difficult when you get older because you are set in your wasy.

I was 36 when I got pregnant, I had always presumed I wouldnt be able to so had sort of decided I wouldnt try, then my hubbie really wanted children so I thought I would 'humour' him and give it a go - took 3 years tho and we now have Noah and by god I wouldnt change it for the world (he is 3).

I did wonder how I would cope as I had got to that age and done my own thing as and when I wanted it so it was a worry how I would feel. I actually think it is easier for the woman but a lot tougher on the man because your attention goes from them, almost totally onto the baby.

Maybe its a worry for him as to how your relationship will change and maybe he is jealous already, its a strange time for the men and they have to feel strong enough to play 2nd fiddle for a while.

I still dont deep down understand why he doesnt want them? Does he not particularly like children - he would probably be a great dad, not instantly as you have to learn about each other but it would be a great joy for him to see his flesh and blood grow.

Does he know that you really would like to try and if it doesnt work then at least you feel you have tried? I think being a mother is totally different feeling to being a dad and some women do need to have at least tried it to say I tried, it didnt work, we can move on.

As crystalwitch says, I do think you need to dig a little deeper and find out why - it could just be fear, or maybe if you dont try then you dont have the heartache (which is sort of what I felt, then you cant be a failure). Is there anything in his past perhaps, has he fathered a child before that was aborted or something.

Dig deeper cheeryblaze, be brave, even if its not what you want to hear, it then may help you both decide and move on.

Good luck though and let us know how things go.

PostPosted: Tue May 26, 2009 9:19 pm
by cheeryblaze
Thanks for taking the time to read and reply, that is very much appreciated.
Yes he does know how much I want kids and it saddens him that he can't go ahead with this. Yes he likes kids, he is great with friends' children and my nephews and nieces. He would be a great father but obviously you can't force someone to be a parent.
I think I will have to bring this to a close on here now. Thanks for the care and trouble taken to respond.

Partner doesn't want kids

PostPosted: Sat Mar 20, 2010 4:21 pm
by batgirl
I don't come on here often but I just saw this post and had to respond. I'm in almost exactly the same position. I've been with DH over 10 years now, married nearly 4. 2 years ago he told me he didn't want kids. I also feel it's partly my fault for not having made sure we both wanted kids, but I wasn't that bothered before. Since I was diagnosed with pcos 3 years ago, it mightn't be easy, but I'm back to having regular periods, my weight is back down again and I'd just like the chance to try.

Same situation as you

PostPosted: Sun Mar 21, 2010 8:54 am
by Ceri
I know exactly how you feel. :(

We have been together over 6 years and married for just over a year.
We had been trying since we got married but due to my husband previous chemotherapy we need to have IVF.
Just after christmas he dropped the bombshell that he isnt ready for kids! HE knows just how important it is to me.
We haven't gone down the counselling route yet but it is something I am considering.

The main problem is that I know so many people who haven't had kids cos their man didnt want them but in the end the resentment ate away at their relationship.
My DH knows that it is a deal breaker for me.

No real advice other than my dads favorite saying "Life isn't a dress rehersal"

C x

PostPosted: Wed Dec 15, 2010 8:40 pm
by lisamarie26
alls i can say is how cruel!!
not the fact he doesnt want kids every1 has a choice. but the fact hes only just told you. and after all uve been through,

i had a similar situation a year or so ago my ex had already got 2 kids frm a previous relationship but he knew i wanted 1 of my own and he said he wanted another child too and then 1 day he just came out with ive got my 2 kids i never want anymore

i ended things pretty soon, im nt sayin 4 you to do that as we wasnt together as long as you guys which i think makes it even worse

my heart goes out to u

xxx

PostPosted: Sun Dec 19, 2010 9:30 pm
by Paula_April
Hi ladies,

I know exactly how you feel, i was with my ex partner for 6 years and was very clear from the start that I wanted kids. He said he wasnt sure, then after 5 years he agreed to try. We tried for 6 months, then casually over dinner he said "I've changed my mind" !!!!!!!

That was it, i was devastated, and it was then I knew i had to end it with him because I would have only resented him in the end. about 6 months later after the change of mind and as I was detatching myself from him, I found out he ws cheating.... At the time i didnt know I had PCOS. I am now with someone else and we have been together for 2 years, he is brilliant and def wants kids. I have just been diagnosed with PCOS and he has been fantastic and said we will do what ever it takes.

i am not saying you should leave him or anythign like that, just sharing my experience.

Big hugs and good luck xxx