How/when do you decide 'enough is enough'?

A place where you can discuss adoption and moving on after the TTC journey

Moderators: thebuzz, Northfifer, Sammi, Hols969, DawnyB, purplestar, loachy, Mrs Wilko, Lutzomyia

How/when do you decide 'enough is enough'?

Postby Ruby » Mon Apr 06, 2009 2:58 pm

We have been TTC a couple of years and although this isn't by any means a long time (compared to others) I am starting to wonder how long I can go on riding this rollercoaster. It is already affecting many aspects of my life, and some days I wish I could just 'know' if it was ever going to happen for us or not - why can't it be that simple!?

We have a lot of odds stacked against us and so we've started discussing adoption - something my husband admitted to never having given any thought to before. I am somehow comforted by the thought that this might be the path for us to take, but I'm having trouble 'deciding' how/when I will know it is the right time to say 'enough TTC, let's look at our options'?!

I hope I make sense here, and I don't mean to upset anyone either. I am just having this tug of war in my head on a daily basis. TTC has taken over my life and I think about it countless times a day. I know it isn't a healthy obsession and I am trying to work out what's best.

Does anyone have any advice? I am due to see a consultant on the 27th and I will hear what they say, but if it seems that they won't do anything more (because of my bmi) then I am going to ask to be discharged from the fertility clinic. The weight/fertility stress isn't making my life very enjoyable. I will continue on my long road to losing weight, but in that time I could be in the process of adopting a child who really needs a home.
Ruby
 
Posts: 729
Joined: Fri Mar 23, 2007 10:15 pm

Postby Hols969 » Wed Apr 08, 2009 9:23 am

I suppose it depends on if you have explored all options - have you had OD, laparoscopy, hubbies sperm checked, have you tried IUI/IVF. I personally think that you cannot make a decision really until you have tried everything and then it makes it easier to accept. Im not sure adoption is an easy route to go and is full of highs and lows again so it certainly is emotional as well, it also depends on how much you would want a baby as they are rare on adoption. Sometimes adoption can seem the easier route but you get scrutinised by social workers as to whether you are acceptable etc and they have strict guidelines and being overweight (you havent said how much) can also hinder the adoption process as well.

I dont think there is an easy solution really. Sorry hope I havent made you feel even more down!
Hols969
Verity Admin
 
Posts: 11345
Joined: Fri Nov 19, 2004 5:19 pm

Postby sam82 » Tue Apr 14, 2009 9:16 am

Hi Ruby,

I am also having the "tug of war" in my head recently. I have tried clomid so many times and also IUI.

Like you it has taken over my life, i constantly think of having a baby, and build my life round me eventually concieving.

I put a post in the ttc "how long have you been here" and a women replied and she hit the nail on the head for me.

I am due to be called in for IVF next spring and although i am not dismissing it right now, i have made the decision to get on with our lives, even though i have another 3 cycles of IUI. My fiance and i get married next May and i intend to enjoy this year and see what next year brings. I am 27 today, so i can not say enough is enough, but i cant continue to put myself and partner through this rollercoaster.

xxx
TTC #1 since Feb 2006

Me: 27 (PCO, BMI 23) DH: 26 (SA perfect) (now split)
Diagnosed Februay 2006, HSG clear
Clomid x 10
IUI 1st cycle BFN
IUI 2nd cycle abandoned
IVF due to start Aug/Sept

Miracle BFP 15 June 2009 ...now a little angel.

16/07/09 found a mass of cysts
sam82
 
Posts: 471
Joined: Fri Aug 04, 2006 12:59 pm
Location: ayrshire

Postby Ruby » Wed Apr 15, 2009 8:36 pm

:(

I am ovulating and dh's SA was fine, it just isn't happening. Not sure what the docs will do next - if anything.

I am so frustrated by it all, and all around me ppl are pg or having babies and I feel so alien. I'm going to seek counselling as it is really affecting my emotional stability.

I'm sure adopting has its own ups and downs and it is also a long road but it almost feels more realistic than keeping on dreaming about having my own baby. I want nothing more in the world than to hear someone call me mummy.
Ruby
 
Posts: 729
Joined: Fri Mar 23, 2007 10:15 pm

Postby sam82 » Thu Apr 16, 2009 2:45 pm

Hi Ruby,

I know what you mean about the adopting, it seem's a more positive route at times rather than wishing & hopign to fall pregnant.

as for the emotional side, i had a slight breakdown at the start of this year, feel so much better now though, but i feel like i carry this black cloud around with me.

Few of my close friends are trying for babies, and i hate to say this, but i dread the day i have to play auntie all over again.

i know one of them, will probably have me as god mother, in it will be an honour, but it also makes me feel sad.

xx
TTC #1 since Feb 2006

Me: 27 (PCO, BMI 23) DH: 26 (SA perfect) (now split)
Diagnosed Februay 2006, HSG clear
Clomid x 10
IUI 1st cycle BFN
IUI 2nd cycle abandoned
IVF due to start Aug/Sept

Miracle BFP 15 June 2009 ...now a little angel.

16/07/09 found a mass of cysts
sam82
 
Posts: 471
Joined: Fri Aug 04, 2006 12:59 pm
Location: ayrshire

Postby Ruby » Thu Jun 03, 2010 9:38 am

Just over a year later and I'm back here again, except this time I know adoption isn't likely to be an option for us...

DH and I are in the middle of a massive fall out which started when I said I want to do something nice on 3 July (EDD if I'd not miscarried) and he couldn't understand why I want to 'celebrate' such a date. For me it's about turning a very difficult day into something nice and memorable - positively.

He really hurt me with the things he said last night and then he wrote me an email and text me this morning from work saying how sorry he was etc. But I am heartbroken and I can't do this anymore...

I don't even know what to say anymore... how do you give up and face the facts?! I just want to crawl back into my bed and never come out again :(
Natural BFP 8.7.10, EDD 11.3.11, Baby Boy born 5.3.11
Surprise Natural BFP 28.01.13, EDD 5.10.13, Baby Girl born 13.9.13
Ruby
 
Posts: 729
Joined: Fri Mar 23, 2007 10:15 pm

Postby beaglelady » Thu Jun 03, 2010 10:01 am

Ruby

I had to respond to you

I have had two losses one was complicated and have had several surgeries for endometriosis, fibroids, adhesions you name it. I also now have endo in the womb (adenomyosis) and am having to be put into artificial menopause to calm it down with a hope that I can ttc again in a few months.

My last pregnancy was due last week when I also told my OH that I felt sad about this he also in my view dismissed it and I got rather p'd off with him. I feel sometimes that he isn't as upset as I am about all of this but when I have sat down and had a proper chat with him he has told me that he has had to watch me physically and emotionally go through hell and he cannot comprehend how it has affected me. He has said he would rather have me wellthan have me in pain or upset. I don't think they can fully understand how it effects us.

I have felt like giving many times but until my consultant who still feels it is possible tells me otherwise which he has promised me he would do I will try again. I am scared and the thought of another loss terrifies me but need to do this.

Maybe take a few months off to have a holiday and then review how you feel but I say follow your heart and if you are not ready to give up don't.
had the lot pcos endometriosis, adenomyosis and fibroids. now in early surgical menopause.
beaglelady
 
Posts: 687
Joined: Fri Nov 19, 2004 2:27 pm
Location: lancs/west yorkshire border

Postby Ruby » Thu Jun 03, 2010 10:31 am

Thank you for your reply.

I feel so numb and confused...

DH says I'm changing for the worse and he just wants the old me back. :( I don't know how to be the old me anymore. He says I'm pushing him away and its hurting him. I just don't know what to do.

I know I am not myself, I feel it within. I went to the doctors a little while ago because of how depressed I felt. There are no councelling services attached to our fertility clinic and it costs £50 a session to see one privately - something we just can't afford right now. The fertility clinic have sent me away to 'keep trying' as I am ovulating and have no obvious reason for not conceiving - I can go back to them in December if I'm not pg by then. But it just feels like I'm in limbo...

I told DH that the only thing that's going to make me happy is having a baby, yet I'm struggling to stay motivated to keep trying. He says how can we be trying when I'm clearly not over the loss - but I don't think he sees that I want it more than ever now. I had a taste of the experience and I want it completely now.

ARGH I feel like such a mess and I have my niece here for half term so have to wear a smile... Life is so cruel. :(
Natural BFP 8.7.10, EDD 11.3.11, Baby Boy born 5.3.11
Surprise Natural BFP 28.01.13, EDD 5.10.13, Baby Girl born 13.9.13
Ruby
 
Posts: 729
Joined: Fri Mar 23, 2007 10:15 pm

Postby Hols969 » Fri Jun 04, 2010 2:44 pm

Why do they keep sending you away to keep trying. Its not working the 'normal' way so you need help. What about clomid. Some ladies do ovulate but still have issues. Are you ovulating every month as well as we can be hit and miss. You really need to kick up a fuss I think because its ridiculous.

Not surprised you and your OH are stressed about it all which is making everything else seem worse as well. For me TTC was the most depressing time of my life. You can go on anti depressants by the way when TTC so please think about them if you think they will help. Wish I had actually as they may have made it all a bit more bareable (luckily I have Noah now but it took 3 bl**dy long years) and I couldnt do it all againl

Men dont think of pregnancies as babies, they really dont, its not until they hold them that they are real. This is why your OH cant understand it, so dont be too hard on him, I think is the same for the majority of men. We also tend to be more emotional and will, of course, remember that day as you hope its the start of another part of your life.

I dont know what to suggest really but I think you should have moved to the next stage in your fertility. You cant just keep having sex as it gets DULL when TTC for so long ....

Go speak to your GP again about having some help mentally with it all, you are NOT abnormal though in how low you feel so please dont think you are.

If you are overweight then make a real effort to lose some (exercise will help lift your mood as well which could help).

let us know how things go, but remember that you and OH are in a bit of a stressful/upsetting time so your feelings are hightened and may not be real in how you feel to your other half!!
Hols969
Verity Admin
 
Posts: 11345
Joined: Fri Nov 19, 2004 5:19 pm

Postby carojohnson18 » Fri Jun 04, 2010 6:13 pm

i can totally sympathise! DH and i have talking about other options, i've got to go back to the docs, have been on met since jan, nothing happened (wouldn't really,i have no periods to regulate!) and although i've lost a bit of weight it's not going to make a huge difference though to the 10 odd stone i need to looseto get IVF on the NHS, but we have also talked about adoption, but i've now placed a ban on anything baby orentated, i just find it too hard to talk about it, and i have enough to deal wtih the comments from friends and family etc, than not having to deal wtih the others, although we are married we have deicded to live in rented accomodation, something i think might put us against if we do decide to adopt, but also it's the full blown thing of bringing home a child, with no previous "experience" of children and babies, that really put me off, if we do have one of our own i might look into adopting another, but we have been trying now for 18 months so of course the other options have come into mind, but it's hard, and even with a holiday and or talking about it, it's still there and it's a big decision to make.
You smile because I'm different; I laugh because your all the same!

-------------------------
TTC since October 2008
Diagnosed finally Jan 2010

A paranormal investigator/pencil pusher/psychic medium/domestic goddess...... just not all at once!!!
carojohnson18
 
Posts: 488
Joined: Tue Dec 01, 2009 4:05 pm
Location: Falfield, between Glos and Bristol

Postby housey » Mon Jun 14, 2010 6:17 pm

Hi all,

I think you'll know when enough is enough.

My DH and I have been trying for approximately 6 years now. I know exactly how you feel. I need to lose around 7 stone before I would be considered for IVF.

There's been ups and downs and times when I have been a mess!! I couldn't go to my own neice's first birthday party because there were going to be so many babies around.

From day to day, I'm ok, I get on with my life but there is something missing and there always will be. My DH, bless him, he is 100% certain that we will have our own child, I don't think he realises that it's just not going to happen.

I have PCOS and 2 blocked tubes, the odds are against me!! Did I get the acne with the PCOS??? No, I got the weight, irregular periods and a beard!! But I like to be different!! :o)

I used to think that if it was meant to happen, it'd happen, but I've begun to be more realistic. It's just no going to happen for me, so I've got to do something about it.

I'm 31 years old, I'm not getting any younger. So I'm giving myself 12 months (starting Monday). I am going on a diet and I'm going to get my BMI to at least 35. Once I'm there, I'm going to go back to my consultant and demand IVF.

Between now and then, I'm going to adjust my diet, stop drinking, maybe take some herbs (can't hurt), try some reiki healing - anything.

Then I will assess the situation in 12 months. If nothing further has happened, I will start thinking about my next move.

I feel for you Ruby and I really understand where you are coming from. Perhaps set yourself a time limit before deciding enough is enough.

Good luck and hugs.

Kelly
Kels
xxxxxxxxxxxxx
housey
 
Posts: 31
Joined: Sun Jan 21, 2007 5:46 pm
Location: Southend-on-Sea, Essex

Postby Hols969 » Mon Jun 21, 2010 3:53 pm

How are things going Ruby?
Hols969
Verity Admin
 
Posts: 11345
Joined: Fri Nov 19, 2004 5:19 pm

Postby Ruby » Sun Jun 27, 2010 6:51 pm

I'm trying really hard to focus on weight loss rather than babies.

I should have been 39wks pregnant yesterday and expecting my bundle of joy, but instead I've been thinking of the awful time I went through in November. :(

I don't really know where my head is at the moment - I've been avoiding sex during my 'fertile window' and every other time DH tries. I know I can't keep going on like this, but I don't know how to get my head around things.

In my heart I really want a child and don't ever want to think of giving up, but my head is telling me how unhealthy my thoughts are at the moment.
Natural BFP 8.7.10, EDD 11.3.11, Baby Boy born 5.3.11
Surprise Natural BFP 28.01.13, EDD 5.10.13, Baby Girl born 13.9.13
Ruby
 
Posts: 729
Joined: Fri Mar 23, 2007 10:15 pm

Postby alison86 » Mon Jun 28, 2010 10:41 am

Ruby I know exactly how you feel me and DH went through something similar after our first MC. I found it really hard when my due date was getting closer as all I could think of was what could have been. If you ever need a chat i'm always here. Sending you lots of hugs and hope you start to feel better soon xxx
M/C @ 9W+ in Dec 2004 MC @ 7.5 weeks April 2010 xx
Natural BFP 21/11/2010 hoping for a sticky one - Its TWINS!!! xx
Diagnosed March 2008
Low Carb diet June09 Met - 3x 500g since Dec09. Lost 3 and a half stone.
5mg folic Acid May10
The twins have arrived 1st May 2011 at 27+6 weeks! Sarah 2lb4 & Rebecca 2lb10 both doing well
Image
alison86
 
Posts: 349
Joined: Mon Apr 28, 2008 1:44 pm
Location: Dundee

Postby Ruby » Mon Jun 28, 2010 3:18 pm

Thanks Alison.

This week is going to be awful, I can't stop thinking about Saturday and what should have been.

I've booked tickets to Eclipse (advance screening) to look forward to something that'll take my mind off things. In a way I just want the day to be over so I don't have this 'should have been' timeline in my head anymore.

AF is due sometime around the weekend too - how nice huh, not! I'm CD25 today, last cycle was 29 days, used to be 34 - so who knows. I am very moody and started having cramps today so wouldn't be surprised if she's here before the weekend... Just to reaffirm the fact that my once regular cycles are now going haywire. *sigh*
Natural BFP 8.7.10, EDD 11.3.11, Baby Boy born 5.3.11
Surprise Natural BFP 28.01.13, EDD 5.10.13, Baby Girl born 13.9.13
Ruby
 
Posts: 729
Joined: Fri Mar 23, 2007 10:15 pm

Next

Return to Childlessness

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest

cron