feeling awfully low tonight

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feeling awfully low tonight

Postby Grimbal » Sat Mar 07, 2009 8:10 pm

I'm supposed to be over the whole TTC-lark, or at least starting to get my head around it by now. Trouble is, I can't stop thinking about it all :( Every cycle is fraught with "am I?, aren't I?" thoughts throughout. Every significant milestone anniversary includes a "wouldn't it be wonderful if I could tell him when he's opening his birthday card/xmas present/valentines meal". My darling OH is out on his stag do tonight & I've tortured myself pretty much all day looking at endless websites about TTC. We're due to get married on the 25th and I'm dying inside because marrying me will mean a life without a biological family for the man who has a heart so big & arms strong I can't begin to explain.
sorry for the self indulgent post, just feel so alone at the moment
Liz
x
http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/1880f8
TTC since June 07. Involuntarily childless: clomid 5x 50mg all BFN. BMI>30 = no to adoption too :O(
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Postby Rach P » Sat Mar 07, 2009 9:07 pm

((((HUGS))))

Liz, I've sat here for a while trying to write something that will make you feel better, but nothing seems right and I've deleted it over and over. :roll: so sorry if this is rubbish, but couldn't read and run.

Your OH is marrying you because he loves you and wants a life with you whether or not you have his children. He sounds like a wonderful man and I bet he feels so lucky to have a lovely lady like you.

I think maybe you are putting too much pressure on yourself to "get over" it, just let the wound take as long as it needs to to start healing.

You take care of yourself honey, i might not be much use, but am always here.

xxxx

Ps don't forget to post those wedding piccies
Diagnosed 05
BFP 8/4/08 - Clomid #2 (100mg) - EDD 13/12/08
Alanis & Danté born in hospital at 38+5 on 4/12/08 weighing 6lb6oz & 6lb13oz
Natural BFP 3/9/11 - EDD 2/5/12
Eden born in water at home at 39+4 on 29/4/12 weighing 7lb6oz

http://thiswomansworkblog.blogspot.com/
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Postby hope07 » Sun Mar 08, 2009 9:00 am

Liz- didn't want to read and run- wanted to send you a (((HUG)))- X
7 -1st Trimester M/C's- TTC since Oct 05

Mummy to two beautiful children
1 DS- IVF
1 DD- Natural BFP
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Postby Hols969 » Sun Mar 08, 2009 9:22 am

You forget though that he is marrying you for you and not for your child bearing abilities ... you wont be the only lady on here who has thought as you have, Iknow I did but my hubbie loves me and would rather be with me childless than not a all (we are lucky we have now had Noah).

I know having your own biological child is what a lot of ladies want and it takes time to accept that maybe its not going to be and there are other alternatives. It is a forced decision on you and not one you really want to stick to so its not surprising that you are struggling to accept the decision.

You also need to have low times every known again and you can always rant on here.
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Postby debbie » Sun Mar 08, 2009 10:34 am

LIz

You are not alone - though I completely understand that you feel alone. At low times it is hard to remember that there are people (friends and family) there for us and also online here at Verity. Day to day we know we are not the only people in a certain position yet when it becomes too much it does feel like you are the only person going through it. When I had my ectopic pregnancy last year - I felt desperately alone as I didn't know anyone who had gone through it in my circle of friends and even on Verity there seem to be no1 else in my situation. It is hard. I appreciate that.

I also empathise with the feelings of marrying the most wonderful man on earth and yet feeling you can't make him a father. I pray for a day when my hubby could hold his own child in his arms, and I am so frightened that that day will never come. We have not made a firm decision to stop ttc, but I do feel events up to this point are painting a very obvious picture for us. At the moment I try to not think about it too much, almost stick my head in the sand but when the day comes that we make a conscious decision, I will be devestated :(

I wont patronise you by saying this or that as it is very hard to say the right thing as our minds have a great way of turning positive to negative (well, I speak for myself!!). What I will say is that the fact you and your OH are getting married so soon, given the difficult times you have had with ttc, must mean he adores YOU and wants YOU above and beyond anything. If nothing else, do try to remember that (it's hard, I know.)

I am often around if you fancy a 'chat' and feel free to PM anytime.

Thinking of you, Deb x x x
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Postby Hols969 » Mon Mar 09, 2009 2:10 pm

How are you feeling today Liz - a little brighter?
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Postby Grimbal » Mon Mar 09, 2009 5:31 pm

Hi Ladies,
thankyou all so so much for your replies. It means alot that you took time to write. I'm still struggling with the whole IF thing to be honest. I've had a right bugger of a day at work today too - not only is boss being difficult but I've had my colleague who is four months gone, seemingly completely forget about my IF & witter on about how great it would be if we could job share - if only I could "hurry up and get pregnant" :shock: it's like she hasn't listened to me whatsoever for the last 2 years.
I also had a mate on f/b last night telling me how sure he was that it will happen for me. I know these comments were meant to come across as supportive & positive, but really, after 2 years, it ain't "just gonna happen"

Sorry for the lack of positivity, I'm sure I'll pull myself out of it. I have a lot to be thankful for. My darling man is marrying me in just over two weeks, so although it's a small (almost non-existent) ceremony, I have things to take my mind off of it!

Liz
x
http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/1880f8
TTC since June 07. Involuntarily childless: clomid 5x 50mg all BFN. BMI>30 = no to adoption too :O(
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Postby Hols969 » Tue Mar 10, 2009 3:21 pm

It took me 3 years and there were times where it was sooo depressing. I luckily have Noah but that will be it for me, it was the most depressing time of my life TTC.

You sound pretty normal to me after 2 years of trying, how can you stay positive, its impossible, so just enjoy your wedding, remember it (hopefully) only happens the once so make the most of it.
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Postby tatie » Fri Mar 13, 2009 8:23 am

Really sorry - agree with everything said so far and have only one thing to add - counselling. That is the route we took in the end. It really helped us to do two key things :

1. Decide if we really were ready to stop ttc
2. Move on to our new life - which incidentally includes planning a long overdue wedding!

We made a memory box of all our souvenirs, cards we got sent when pregnant, hospital wristbands from our four IVF cycles, a box of unused clomid, my auto injector, our scan images, the appointment card for my managed miscarriage etc etc and we had a lovely wooden cube carved to put in it which says on it

Let your dreams die with the night, so that new ones can come with the dawn.

We keep the memory box at home but we also decided to visit Richard's Dad's grave every month and reflect on our loss which is so like his as he died when his little ones were really young so missed out on Fatherhood too.

TTC gave us so much. We know we tried, we know we did a really huge and difficult thing together and stuck with each other and worked as a brilliant team to get through it. That means a lot and the counsellor taught us that it is to be cherished never regretted.

We will never get over it but we are gradually allowing our life to get bigger and richer around it so it doesn't have such pointed corners and hurt so much.

Hope it helps to hear that people can make progress if you are ready to. The first thing is to close the door to believing you might get pregnant - it's torture and you can't heal if you are constantly torturing yourself - I eventually went to the Doc and got myself back on the pill which was a really symbolic gesture but does help me stop obsessing every month.

Take good care all x
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Postby tatie » Fri Mar 27, 2009 8:35 pm

How are you doing Liz ?

x
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