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unwillingly childless?

PostPosted: Tue Jan 20, 2009 7:57 pm
by Grimbal
well, I guess I'll start off a shiny new thread in the shiny new message board topic!

Some of you ladies may remember me from the TTC boards - DP & I were trying for a while until we realised that it wasn't going to happen.

We now find ourselves with a huge gap in our lives that only a child would be able to fill. We've looked into adoption, but just can't see ourselves ever being able to pass all the requirements needed.

I'm struggling to come to terms with the thought that we may never be parents - how do people even start to cope withthis?


PostPosted: Tue Jan 20, 2009 9:32 pm
by debbie
Hi Liz

I am increasingly thinking that we are never going to be parents also.

I just struggle to accept this.

How can you accept this is our fate and move on.

I would love to give my husband our child to love unconditionally...

Deb x x x

PostPosted: Wed Jan 21, 2009 10:33 am
by Debbs
Im struggling with this also at the moment and this board could not have come at a better time. Were due to have ICSI in July but I am seriiously in doubt if we are meant to have children. Its so hard isnt it? I dont know if I am coming or going.


PostPosted: Wed Jan 21, 2009 11:13 am
by sarik
hey all,

when reading this thread it reminded me so much of me and my husband a couple of years ago, we were refered for ivf when we had been unable to conceive after 5 years of trying, i felt so completely useless and that the one thing i wanted more than anything in my life now seemed even further from being mine than ever before.

because of how unwell i became when i stopped all my medication we decided not to pursue ivf.

this was a really difficult decision to make and took many hours of soul searching as well as a couple of sessions with the counsellor attached to the ivf center - this really helped and i would recommend it.

after making the decision we gave ourselves a six months us time where we went on holiday ect before deciding to adopt.

i know that this is not a solution for everyone but we really enjoyed the process and found it made us stronger as a couple. after two years of the assessment process we are now the very proud parents of twin girls who came to live with us when they were 10 months old.

they are everything we could wish for and have helped heal many wounds left by my inability to conceive - i feel very much like a mummy!

i hope that my story helps a little x

PostPosted: Wed Jan 21, 2009 1:59 pm
by Calkarima

I also read your thread and knew how you were feeling. I found the hardest thing was making the decision. Once we had made the decision not to take any further treatment it started to get easier and we looked at our other options.

We have adopted twice and have an 8 year old and a 3 almost 4 year old that came to us at 4 and 18 months.

Adoption isn't the easiest or quickest route to go down as you still need to deal with not having children of your own but my two kids are my life and honestly I don't think I could feel like any more of a mum to them if I had give birth to them.

I had a bit of a hiccup two years ago when I fell pregnant unexpectantly and then miscarried, it made me want to try everything again but common sense set in and I'm really happy with my family the way it is.

Good luck with whatever decision you decide to make.


PostPosted: Wed Jan 21, 2009 8:37 pm
by Debbs
So so glad this thread is here, Its nice to read peoples stories and to know I to could be happy with adopting. Can I ask the ladies who have adopted some advice? We know we want more than one child and our chances of conceiving are 1/200. ICSI for us is £4500. Realistically we can only have the NHS one.

I want to start adoption proceddings now as I know how long it will take and I have always wanted 2-3 children. Im worried if it will affect our chances if they decide we should wait til after July. I just wanted to know if I should wait or not.

I would really hate it if anyone thought I was simply covering all bases. Im not. I want a family. So confused and frightened.


PostPosted: Thu Jan 22, 2009 7:54 am
by Grimbal
Hi Debbs,

As far as I understand it, you can't start the adoption process whilst still TTC. Most LHA will ask you to also wait a period of time after TTC too (mine is 6 months). They want to make sure that you've started to grieve for your biological child that is not to be & that you've started to come to term with that. I'm currently in this limbo now - finished TTC In August, so just waiting until we can contact our social workers here. It's actually been a sensible thing to have this break, it did give us a chance to really talk things through, have a bit of a cry & just really open up to each other. Oh, it erm, also gave us a few months to get a head start on trying to get our bmis down - we have a lot to lose before tehy'll even put us on the list !


PostPosted: Thu Jan 22, 2009 9:40 am
by MsMara
for me this is also a big thing. altho its almost been 3yrs TTC, i am nowhere near ready to give up TTC. at the same time, i know whether or not i manage to have a baby of my own i will want to adopt. The thing is, if im unable to have a baby, im not sure i'll ever be able to accept that - how do they measure this? i have days where im fine with being infertile and i can cope with it, then other days where i dont see the point of being alive and all the rest of the drama that comes along with TTC. i dont know that this will ever change... :S

PostPosted: Thu Jan 22, 2009 11:34 am
by Debbs
I know what you mean Liz. I think thats why I am sliding more towards adoption. I have come off my met and feel that I have started this acceptance process. Where ICSI fits into all of this i am unsure but if help comes along when we go I am more than prepared to take it.

Samara, I think for me it just hit a point of knowing I couldnt keep doing it to my body and continually putting our lives on hold. I want to live the life I have always seen me having and if that means missing out on pregnancy and birth, as much as it hurts, i want to be a mum more.

There is a lot of talking ahead of us as im not so sure were 100% eith either yet. I just dont want to have ICSI, have it fail and then be left with more heartache and not able to move one again.

Anyway, time to go.

Speak soon


PostPosted: Thu Jan 22, 2009 11:09 pm
by Calkarima

We have adopted twice and honestly both times were completely different. The first time we applied in November 1998, started the process in May 1999, went through home study between June 99 and February 2000, went to approval panel on 16th Feb (ingrained in my memory) 2000 and then waited until March 2001 for our wee man to move in.

The second time we applied we applied August 2004, started groups September 04, went through house group between November and September 05 (it took so long because we were moving house and had to have the house approved, also my son has a learning disability and we had to have medical reports done on him). This time our social worker came to us 4 weeks after approval panel about a little girl. The process goes through a number of stages, we were linked with this child in January 06 with a date for matching panel set however the legal situation of this child meant it dragged on and on and in June 06 we eventually had to make the heartbreaking decision not to take things any further. Unfortunately we found out recently this child is still with the same foster carer and is now aged 9 so is unlikely to be adopted now. Anyway after going on holiday to recover we came back and our social workerr came to see us to go over things and to talk to us about a wee girl of 15 months and as they say the rest is history. It was all very quick we were linked 2 weeks later, met her foster carer and went to panel in early september. After a week of introductions she came home to us on 5th October 2006 aged 18 months.

Sorry thats long winded I just wanted to let you see that every case is different. It all depends how your home study goes, although I believe they must have you through it all in a set period of time. I had issues over my weight but pled the PCOS route and my GP backed me up thankfully. Both times we adopted there were also lots of children to consider which sounds good but is actually quite sad for these kids.
Some people I know nationally have had much longer waits so again its dependant on where you live.

Ms Mara, I don't think you ever do completely get over not having a child of your own. I know I wont. But you need to be able to show you have grieved for that stage of your life and the child you wont have and are not actively seeking treatment, we were actually asked if we were using contraception. I believe that is a question most, if not all are asked. I'll be completely honest with you after we adopted our wee boy I went back to my GP and had another round of treatment, I think I needed to get it out of my system.

Adoption has worked very well for me. We are a very well matched family, the kids look like my hubby and I and we are very proud of them. I always wanted 3 kids but having adopted our kids and accepted them with the issues they have brought with them into our family I now know that we will only have 2. Kids that are adopted are not the same as the ones you would have had naturally, I found that really hard to accept I had this wonderful picture of what they would be like and have had to learn the hard way (very hard way) that my family isn't the same as my friends family.

Anway I'm getting writers cramp, sorry waffled long enough. Good luck in whatever decision you all decide to take. We have never for a minute regretted any of the decisions we have had to make and have two wonderful kids.


PostPosted: Fri Jan 23, 2009 5:01 pm
by Grimbal
it's so nice to hear that you've had positive experiences from adoption. May I ask a personal question please? It's just that I'm scared to start the adoption process as I think that they'll just disregard me due to my high bmi. Do you think it's worth approaching them still? I'm just so worried that they'll turn around & say that we won't be able to adopt because of me. Then I will have been the one to "blame" for us remaining childless both biologically and adoptive.


PostPosted: Fri Jan 23, 2009 6:30 pm
by MidsomerMadness
I would just like to say, as an almost 45 year old with no children, it really isn't the end of the world if you have to live your life without children.

My DH had been married previously and had 2 sons by that marriage, he had also had a vascectomy prior to when we met.

We have been married 9 years this year and are, I think(!) very happy. DH' eldest son now lives nearby and has a son of his own, who looks on me as his nana, however I don't think i've missed out on anything because I haven't had children of my own. I love my niece and nephew dearly and am now also a great auntie.

I hope you all get what you wish for the most.

Amanda xx

PostPosted: Sat Jan 24, 2009 9:55 am
by hope07
Hi Everyone- Well I would desribe that we're over the peak of our TTC mountain- by this I mean that we're on our way to ending our journey-(although we've got a few things to try first)
I made the decision about 12-18months ago that I couldn't try forever, and that I wouldn't keep putting myself through all the hope and heartache. So...if we've not concieved in the next 18-24 months then thats it- and I've decided I'm going to take contraception again.
Now I could never and can't really see my life without chidlren featuring and have always been open to adoption, however my OH hasn't always had the same view and this really upset me.
However strange as it sounds since getting our dog he's changed his mind :D -I sold it to him by saying- Think how much you love our dog (he adores her) she's not biologically ours, in fact shes not even human! and this small statement changed his mind- so we'll definatley look into adoption if/when our time comes.
But I know even if we're blessed enough to become adoptive parents, there will always be a tiny bit of saddness in me that I couldn't have a baby of my own, and all the wonderful things that go with this -pregnancy, scans, birth- Sorry for the long post- I got a little carried away X

PostPosted: Sat Jan 24, 2009 6:19 pm
by Calkarima
Hi Grimbal

I also have a high bmi and I'm afraid it was a bit of an issue during the process. Before panel the social worker said we may be deferred until I lost some weight. I explained that whilst my high bmi probably was on the whole due to me that having PCOS meant that I didn't lose it very easily, I asked my GP to write a note also backing that up, they charge something like £25 to do this. The head social worker in the Practice we went through approached the chairperson of their panel and asked what would be the likely outcome and was told that so long as I could show that I was making an effort to be healthy and lose weight through diet and exercise then it is likely we would be approved. I joined the Gym and Weight Watchers and lost about half a stone before panel and they were happy with the effort I was making.

I found it all quite embarrasing and emotional to be honest but the outcome was in our favour.

Good luck


PostPosted: Sun Jan 25, 2009 2:28 pm
by hope07
OMG- It makes me so mad that when adopting they consider BMI an issue! I was very nieve in thinking they would look at the type of people you were personality wise and what stability you could offer a child, like a stable home, and loving parents- not whether you are under or over weight! Thats Madness! (sorry for the rant- but thats really got me)