Page 1 of 4

I'm a terrible person

PostPosted: Tue Aug 06, 2013 3:19 pm
by Trying
Ladies that know me from various threads and Facebook I'm sorry to shock you all. But I'm becoming a Jeremy Kyle participant (not literally), but my Behaviour is that of one.

I'm having an affair.

Yes, whilst pregnant with my second child. It started last month, and I'm ashamed, disgusted with myself and just a bit of a messed up individual right now, because I feel like I'm in love with the wrong man, even though I still love my husband, his family etc...

I don't think I'm asking for advice or validation etc... I just need to tell someone. My marriage is not on the rocks, DH is not abusive, he works a lot, but if I am going to go down the negative side we are growing apart, I feel like after 14yrs together we're not on the same wavelength, he is very anti social, puts work as a priority A LOT, he sees more of life as a financial thing to build not emotional. He's also fairly chauvinistic, occasional says bigoted things!, homophobic etc... And has a very 1950's outlook in life which being only 32 (both of us) frightens the hell out of me that he's only going to become worse! He loses his temper easily with D which makes me so angry. But he's also my 'childhood' sweetheart, we've been through south together and built so much together that it tears me up that I'm doing something so hurtful, but then other guy I'm with has made me so unbelievably happy and feel good about myself (he's an old flame pre husband years that never got chance to get off the ground) and we spend so much time talking of the should have berms between us - which I know is silly and irrelevant because you can't change the past.

There's a part of me inside that thinks this is all driven by my pregnancy hormones and depression. And I'm having such a bad time at being a cheat! When I'm with him it's the most amazing time if my life, but as soon as I'm back home with my family I'm just filled with guilt and remorse because I'm normally such a moral high ground person that hates adulterers that mess everything up for their kids.

That's my confession - feel free to berate me I deserve it.

Re: I'm a terrible person

PostPosted: Tue Aug 06, 2013 8:18 pm
by youlemming
I don't think anyone berating you is going to help and it sounds like you are doing enough beating yourself up about it anyway.

I supose you have got to ask yourself how this is going to end and is it worth it.
Can you see it moving on to more than an affair and leaving your husband to start a new relationship, if the answer is no then it may be best though difficult I can imagine to stop now.
If yes at what point do you make that decision will be tough, soon so your not having to try to manage both sides but maybe not ready to commit to the other guy fully or hold off till the new relationship to more stable but risk getting caught out.
I've never been in the same situation so what I'm saying may be making it sound like a simple thing to do, but I don't think there is any point dressing it up and I expect you know what the options are.
Hope nothing above sounds too harsh but I don't think you have come on here for people to tell you it's all ok.

Really hope you find some answers/clarity whether it's through anything other people post on here or outisde of the group.

Re: I'm a terrible person

PostPosted: Tue Aug 06, 2013 11:13 pm
by Trying
You're right it is a simple choice.

The sutuation is so ridiculously open ended! The guy I'm involved with has kids from a previous marriage, (he only sees them alternative weekends), and is so supportive of me doing what's right for my family because of how much he misses his. He says I can walk away at anytime, but would still love me, and would also wait for my babies to grow up before we could be anything more. Basically he's saying I can have my cake and eat it.

Despite the negatives I've mentioned about my husband, I do love him, but don't feel 'in' love with him anymore. I've tried to tell him about the negativity I feel about him and it just ends up with me feeling guilty. I also feel so spineless about it all, because I'm petrified of crushing him with truth of what I'm doing.

If I walked away from my marriage I'd lose everything because I wouldn't feel like I would be on a position to ask for anything. Oh and on the materialistic/security side of things the other guy has little to offer so the grass isn't greener etc.. I'd be starting life from scratch with him, it's all an emotional connection/attraction.

Re: I'm a terrible person

PostPosted: Wed Aug 07, 2013 5:31 am
by Kasha
Sam i have no experience of this really except to say marriages do stumble like this from time to time, it depends on the couple to decide how (and if) they can sortit out to be what each partner wants. I have been married for 17 yrs and after we had the kids things got a little bit tough tho we've worked them out. I think your priorities change as well as your husbands its a case of getting things to a state where you are happy with compromises etc.
I also think being pregnant causes all kinds of problems. Hormones, fears, excitement everything really. Its a big life change even if you already have one child.
I have no advice for you, just lots of love. It must be difficult for you and there's only you who can make the choice, whatever that will be.

Re: I'm a terrible person

PostPosted: Wed Aug 07, 2013 3:34 pm
by Hols969
Oh goodness what a dilemma, one thing I woul say is that any new relationship is exciting and often when you have been together so long, things can get a bit dull and samey!! I have found also as I get older things do irritate me much more than they used to, your husband won't have changed in his attitude, but you have found it more grating!!! I've been with my oh for 21 years and I know things have changed and I can sort of see why people split up when the kids leave home as your life does revolve around them for so long but I'm hoping we will get through it as he is my best friend too!

It is a massive thing to leave you oh and my worry is that hormones are playing a huge part in this as its a weird time being pregnant etc, but in my view you only live once, life is too short to just mull along.

Do you think you could improve the marriage at all? You aren't a terrible person at all, these things just happen some times. Some of my school friends are still married to their childhood sweetheart and I'm quite shocked, you either grow together or apart. How was things prior to having kids as I think they can alter things considerably especially down to tiredness etc!!

Re: I'm a terrible person

PostPosted: Wed Aug 07, 2013 7:15 pm
by Trying
We're pretty much the last couple standing! The thing is the marriage isn't really broken, I think it's me.
I've given up work to be this housewife that I never thought I would be, we've moved out to the Countryside so am a little more isolated.
DH has his faults and seems to be growing into this home is my castle type person, we've stayed in a similar area so he can be close to his family, but he won't make an effort to make new friends as all our old (school) friends have either moved on or stayed in our hometown, which DH is really snooty about visiting. (He lived in a village outside it).
But he's also sweet, loving and kind, and even though (I feel & I've told him loads) that he's missing out in the important family things it's mainly because he's trying to build a good starting foundation for our children. However this ends up with him never being at home, or if he is here he's shattered. And if I convince him to take a day off its deemed a waste to go do something fun, when he could be fixing the house up etc...
We talk and then we fight and then I cry and then things are good for a few days or weeks then things slip back to how they were. So I don't know what I can say to change him, I don't like to use threats as a way of getting a message across. Also when I say I want things to change he'll floor me every time by telling me I'll never be satisfied or happy whatever changes. Which when you struggle with your mood at the best of times is a true stinger.
I was with the other guy this afternoon and chatted, he says he'll be there for me whatever I decide, be it months, years or decades!!!!! All he wants is for me to be happy. I've told him I'll be a different person once the new baby gets here, and won't have time to carry on as we are and even that doesn't put him off. We have all the things in common that I don't with my husband, the spiritual and liberal sides. He's travelling to Thailand next month and perhaps a few weeks away from him would help me get my head around it, but he also has a fortnight off work in October which he wants me to try see him as much as I can too, including a trip/night away. I've been back and forth telling myself that walking away from him is the easiest and fairest decision, but I whenever I get close to the decision I break down and cry, because I have this overwhelming feeling that ive been cheated by being without him the last 20 years, and how crazily comfortable I feel with him, even if it is only a select few fleeting moments that end so quickly.

Re: I'm a terrible person

PostPosted: Thu Aug 08, 2013 4:49 am
by Hols969
It's not you, it takes two to make a marriage happy and to be honest it sounds like you have drifted apart and want different things, do you want him to change so that you stay, that is the question!!!

Re: I'm a terrible person

PostPosted: Thu Aug 08, 2013 7:51 am
by Trying
I don't know it is more me then DH, he's blissfully happy. :|

And that's the problem I don't know the answer! My heart is torn between making my children happy and not crushing my husband and between being with someone I have the most amazing connection with that I daydream of running off together with!

Head says be a grown up, put my children's needs first, heart says run for the hills and start again.

Re: I'm a terrible person

PostPosted: Thu Aug 08, 2013 9:13 am
by Hols969
Ive never believed you should stay together for the children, stay civil yes, but not stay together, something is not right with your marriage if you are even considering it. You say it is you, but he doesnt want to go out and even do family stuff, yes he is building for your future but one of you may die tomorrow, you should live for today, especially with the kids as you never know what is around the corner. Your husband may have a life that makes him blissfully happy but you dont....... No-one ever goes into a marriage thinking it will end but sometimes they do and we all change as we get older and sometimes you dont change in the same way as your OH!! If you took the kids out of the decision what would you do.... if in your heart of hearts you think you would leave then that is the decision really. Being pregnant does sooo complicate it!!! Can you chat with any of your family about it at all, like your mum or something?

Re: I'm a terrible person

PostPosted: Thu Aug 08, 2013 9:38 am
by Trying
I haven't spoken with my mum for about 4/5yrs. The only ''close" family member I have is my sister who lives 75miles away. She's got a lot going on with a borderline alcoholic partner & 3 kids (one newborn). As a 'family' we've never really done the whole deep and meaningful chats or advise giving. Everyone leaves everyone to do their own thing and then bitch about them separately.
Also think she'd be pro staying put, seeing how she was going to leave her partner until she found out about the 3rd child last year. She also knows how much resentment I have towards my Dad for having an affair and leaving when we were kids so she'd also call me out for the hypocrite I am. :| !

I'm not sure how civil a break up would be for us, DH has always said infidelity would be the one thing that he'd never be able to forgive (we both agreed on that).

Re: I'm a terrible person

PostPosted: Thu Aug 08, 2013 10:57 am
by Hols969
It is a difficult one, only you really know the answer to and if your 'feelings' are real and not pregnancy/hormone related. Life is too short though Sam, I do think you need to sit down with your husband and tell him stuff, obviously not about the affair, but you need to bare it all I think, say he never wants to do anything 'out' as a family etc etc, show that changes must be done, it shouldnt all be about the 'future' it should be about now and you need to get your husband to do 'now' stuff.

I think probably the worst thing for him would be for you to say you are leaving, if he is blissfully happy, you need to let him know you arent as it would be awful for your partner to suddenly say Im leaving and for you to be totally unaware that there was problems. Perhaps he should have the opportunity to be the man you would like, if he cant change then perhaps you have your answer. Thing is an 'affair' can make a person feel 'alive' again but in 2 years time would that person feel the same way about that man as you do for the current one that you are thinking of leaving. Im always worried about the 'grass being greener' because in reality if may be in the beginning but may not be in the long run!

Re: I'm a terrible person

PostPosted: Thu Aug 08, 2013 1:23 pm
by Kasha
Sam i have to agree with Holly. You should never stay together just for the kids. What a miserable existence for youall. And kids arent daft they would pick up on it. Its far better to have two seperate happy parents than two parents together who dont want to be. I, too, think you need to have a good heart to heart with your hubby. You need to tell him exactly how you feel, obviously not about the affair. If you dont and you just walk away, you'll be left wondering if you did everything you could.

Re: I'm a terrible person

PostPosted: Thu Aug 08, 2013 2:44 pm
by Trying
You're right ladies, I wish I were brave enough to do it properly. Thing is it'll all get turned back on me, because 'I should just be happy with what we've got and be more grateful for what he provides'
DH only male influence is his dad who was left by his wife when the kids were old enough. I do worry that we're heading in the same direction.

DH has been hinting about going out for a grown ups meal for ages (just waiting on him to ask his Mum to babysit!), maybe I'll try then. The whole thought of ending yet marriage or the affair just fill me with dread and sadness. But I do know I shouldn't have both.

Re: I'm a terrible person

PostPosted: Thu Aug 08, 2013 4:09 pm
by Hols969
But maybe what you have got isn't making you happy and what he 'provides' is neither here nor there as it wont bring happiness..... there is something missing sadly and if there wasn't, you wouldn't even be considering it. Good luck, let us know how it goes. Life is tooooo short Sam and we only get one life!

Re: I'm a terrible person

PostPosted: Thu Aug 08, 2013 9:43 pm
by Doobykat
Ah Sam, how did I miss this post?!

The one thing I do know is that for a marriage/relationship to work, both parties need to be happy (& not just told they should feel happy/grateful etc for what they've got) & both parties need to be able to communicate their wants & needs to the other without fear of reprisal.
When this isn't the case, then that's when marriages/relationships start to fall apart. Unless both parties realise this, I think the relationship is doomed from there on in.
I also think that if you've been together from a young age that it can be more tricky to stay together as you grow & mature, especially if you don't grow or mature in the same direction, or ending up wanting completely different things from life, careers etc.

Marriages do fail all the time & I'm another believer in that parents shouldn't stay together for the sake of the kids if things aren't working. My own parents had a rocky marriage that finally ended once we'd all left home. But from my own stand point, I wish they'd separated earlier, while we were still kids. At least then we wouldn't have had to put up with my dad's terrible temper & obnoxious behavior (probably brought on by being unhappy in the relationship) towards us kids (probably because we were the reason he & my mum were staying together).

x x x