I'm a terrible person

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Re: I'm a terrible person

Postby Trying » Sun Aug 25, 2013 4:08 pm

Oh bless you Lou!

Never trust a Facebook profile as a true reflection!! ;)

I'm still be a wuss and left things as they are. DH has had better times with us all, and this long weekend (for once) he's not worked and its been great, but I'm not sure if its enough as I'm still in touch and meeting up with the other guy. Who I know isn't perfect either(!) But I just find myself longing to get away and spend time with him, probably knowing after December it'll be impossible to. I guess exchanging the L word between each other hasn't helped matters either!

I am really just making a mess of things really!
Sam
2010 - PMA beats PMT, TTC & The Blues! It worked BFP on 03/04/10!!!
TTC - June 07
Clomid - 3/4 cycles 09 all BFN
TTC #2 - Dec 2011 (met since May 12, and lots of lbs to lose!!)
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Re: I'm a terrible person

Postby Loula » Sun Aug 25, 2013 4:46 pm

Everyone wants to feel special, just make sure that when you say you long to see the other guy that deep down its the escape from reality that your really longing for! Hope that makes sense! X
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Re: I'm a terrible person

Postby Trying » Sun Aug 25, 2013 5:11 pm

Oh yes! Haven't ruled out midlife crisis as the drive behind it all xx
Sam
2010 - PMA beats PMT, TTC & The Blues! It worked BFP on 03/04/10!!!
TTC - June 07
Clomid - 3/4 cycles 09 all BFN
TTC #2 - Dec 2011 (met since May 12, and lots of lbs to lose!!)
http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/24e4af

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Re: I'm a terrible person

Postby devilisha » Sun Sep 01, 2013 12:12 pm

How things Sam ??xx
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Re: I'm a terrible person

Postby Trying » Sun Sep 01, 2013 12:26 pm

Well....

I'm still seeing the other guy. Feel like I'm falling deeper in love with him the more I spend time with him!!
However at the end of next week he goes to Thailand for a fortnight, so will see how my head reacts to that.

Things with husband are slightly different, he is trying with his temper and Daniel, but its just not long term, it's a couple of days on and a couple of days off. He has been very sweet to me, but it makes me feel guilty that I don't fully appreciate it or even want it. Trying to get away as a family this month to see if that helps.

But ultimately I've not really done anything to change things. I think I'm too scared to think about it!
Sam
2010 - PMA beats PMT, TTC & The Blues! It worked BFP on 03/04/10!!!
TTC - June 07
Clomid - 3/4 cycles 09 all BFN
TTC #2 - Dec 2011 (met since May 12, and lots of lbs to lose!!)
http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/24e4af

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Re: I'm a terrible person

Postby Hols969 » Tue Sep 03, 2013 6:11 am

Sounds to me like your heart isnt really in the marriage any more but its the guilt and complication of things that is holding you back.....maybe currently its safer for you to be in limbo land without really tackling the marriage part and then having to be forced into a decision. Things will progress or not when you are ready.
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Re: I'm a terrible person

Postby Trying » Wed Sep 11, 2013 11:29 am

I think I've had a bit of a realisation today. I've not been in touch with the other guy since he flew out Sunday, and I'm ridiculously miserable (actual tear shedding)! Today I got kind of overwhelmed by my feelings whilst D was at Pre school and I've not felt like this about my husband since we were on our early years and went our seperate ways to Uni. So I broke down and sobbed for an hour on the realisation I'm no longer in love with my husband. And just feel like I've ruined everything we've built together. How can I tell him?! I love him as the father of my children but I've lost the desire to be with him. This will crush him.
Sam
2010 - PMA beats PMT, TTC & The Blues! It worked BFP on 03/04/10!!!
TTC - June 07
Clomid - 3/4 cycles 09 all BFN
TTC #2 - Dec 2011 (met since May 12, and lots of lbs to lose!!)
http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/24e4af

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Re: I'm a terrible person

Postby sammykins » Wed Sep 11, 2013 12:56 pm

Oh Sam, (((hugs)))

At least the distance between you and the other man has helped you realise what you really feel (both for him and your hubby). I know you have pregnancy hormones, but I'm sure you would have come to the same conclusion had you not been pregnant.
It's going to be harder now that you have come to the realisation that you are not in love with your husband. I suppose there was still a glimmer of hope that this was a phase before, whereas now, you have your answer.

You haven't ruined anything. It takes 2 people to build a relationship, and it takes 2 people to let it go stale. The couple working out does not depend on you alone! You both have your share of responsibility in that couple, so don't think you are solely to blame.

As for telling him, not sure how you tell someone that it is over? Do you have somewhere you can stay?
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Re: I'm a terrible person

Postby Trying » Wed Sep 11, 2013 1:13 pm

Not really! The only place/person I could turn to would be my sister in Kent, who doesn't really have the space. They're in a 3 bed rented place with 3 kids.

I'm not sure if running away is the right thing to do. I think if I tell him how i'm feeling I'd rather we figured out how it's going to work out together for the sake of Daniel.
Sam
2010 - PMA beats PMT, TTC & The Blues! It worked BFP on 03/04/10!!!
TTC - June 07
Clomid - 3/4 cycles 09 all BFN
TTC #2 - Dec 2011 (met since May 12, and lots of lbs to lose!!)
http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/24e4af

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Re: I'm a terrible person

Postby miracle19 » Wed Sep 11, 2013 8:42 pm

I think you are right about not running at the moment. You need to stay calm anyway with the pregnancy. I also wonder whether when you speak to him you need to bring into it your feelings for the other man as going by things you have said you were feeling low about your marriage before all of this. I think you need to approach your husband and tell him how low you have been, how you feel the love you had isn't the same anymore. Open the lines of communication and don't pile it all on at once. It won't be easy, he will prob be angry, upset questioning but let him get it out and then hopefully you can truly talk about everything. I hope it all goes well and you can all somehow reach a place where you can all be happy either together or apart because ultimately if oyu two are happy your children will be. Children pick up on everything. xxxxxxxxxxxx here if you need me.
TTC baby number 2 since 2007
10 cycles of Clomid DIDN'T WORK.
Ovarian Drilling DONE 17th May 2012....
Diagnosed Type 2 Diabetes Aug 2013
5 natural cycles since then...
27.1.14 BFP!!!!!!! oh my god! DUE DATE 3.10.14 IT'S A BOY!!
NEVER GIVE UP HOPE!
BABY BOY JOSHUA STEPHEN BORN 25.9.14 WEIGHING 8lb 1oz


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Re: I'm a terrible person

Postby Trying » Wed Sep 11, 2013 9:12 pm

Rhoda - I'm petrified of bringing up the other guy to him, because even though I have these strong feelings for him, I don't fully trust them. I'm not feeling like I want to run into another man's arms (permenantly) straight from this. I've always been an independent minded type and what feels more important for me right now is to see how we can change the current relationship to one that will work for both of us to provide structure and stability for Danielnand bump.
However I'm a bit torn, because I know that DH would see this conversation as a how do we save us not how are we going the end us. And I'm not sure if I'd be able to stay strong enough to keep it on track, also I really believe he'll (understandably) as the question about someone else, and I probably would really struggle to lie if asked out right, but there is this part inside that tells me once he knows, it's all over, and any chance of keeping things civil and amicable are blown to bits - which is my nightmare scenario.
Sam
2010 - PMA beats PMT, TTC & The Blues! It worked BFP on 03/04/10!!!
TTC - June 07
Clomid - 3/4 cycles 09 all BFN
TTC #2 - Dec 2011 (met since May 12, and lots of lbs to lose!!)
http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/24e4af

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Trying
 
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Re: I'm a terrible person

Postby Trying » Wed Sep 11, 2013 9:13 pm

There's also a part of me that doesn't want to ruin the arrival of bump, as I feel I'd be severing any chance of an early bond between them too
Sam
2010 - PMA beats PMT, TTC & The Blues! It worked BFP on 03/04/10!!!
TTC - June 07
Clomid - 3/4 cycles 09 all BFN
TTC #2 - Dec 2011 (met since May 12, and lots of lbs to lose!!)
http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/24e4af

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Trying
 
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Location: Ipswich, Suffolk

Re: I'm a terrible person

Postby sammykins » Thu Sep 12, 2013 8:49 am

I wasn't suggesting you running away btw - but somewhere for you to stay if it happened that you both decided you needed time apart to think things through. I suppose the question is what do you want the conversation between you and hubby to be about: how to change the relationship you have so things go back to how they used to be, or like you say, how to end things amicably.
Your hubby will probably not want to end things without being given a chance to improve on what is causing the unhappiness (even though I'm sure you've had plenty of conversations about it before, but I presume none were about "we need to change or it's over"). It's a difficult situation, you've been together for years, and ending the relationship will be a hard thing for both of you, and he will need to go throught the "grieving" process, but hopefully, once he's gone through that, he will see that the priority is for you to be friendly and have a good relationship for your kiddies' sake.
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Re: I'm a terrible person

Postby Hols969 » Thu Sep 12, 2013 9:46 am

If you do tell him about the other man also I think it will make him question if the baby is his.... I would keep the other man out of this and lie if need be. Could you perhaps suggest he moves out and lives with his parents or something, to give you a bit of time away from both men, perhaps if your husband is not their it will make it clearer as well as actually you may miss him more than you think you do.....(which really would complicate things...)

If the other man was not on the scene then you wouldnt be doing all this probably and would just plod along with life like lots of couples. Thing is, I think in your heart you know he is no longer the man for you so even if you give him the opportunity to change, Im not sure you want him to enough as it gives you the 'excuse' to end the relationship (dont mean that in a mean way, just sometimes you need something to 'end' the relationship for and you know what you may have just drifted apart which isnt uncommon). I get the impression that your husband may make an effort initially but I think it will go back to how it was before again quite quickly as he sounds very set in his ways and views about things and I no longer think you are in tune with him.

I think you need to decide whether you will not 'decide' until baby is here or whether you should get things to a head so you can do it and sort it out as at the moment you are being eaten up with guilt and indecision which must be so draining. In some ways I actually think you are being very thoughtful towards your husband and kids and wanting the bonding etc which is making the decision so much less straight forward. Your husband has to be mature enough and to love his kids enough to want to make it amicable I would hope....
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Re: I'm a terrible person

Postby Kasha » Thu Sep 12, 2013 10:57 am

Sm i have just caught up with this again.
I have no words for you, only a big fat hug xxx
Pm or message me on fb if you need to vent xx
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