I'm a terrible person

[Constance]

Hi Trying,

It sounds like you have a lot to think about... Were you ever happy with your husband the way you are with your new partner? Did you have a connection like that at the beginning, and if yes when and why it ended? As for your new partner - do you think you may move on to a less exciting life with him once you get a mortgage and start decorating and providing for children, etc? Is he not going to run when you come and join him with your two children? Will he be happy to support the three of you?

I realise the new partner is all the excitement and adventure that makes you feel like you are alive again, after a long life of just existing, but the excitement and feeling of adventure won't last - do you think you will be better off with him when things settle down?

Another question is - has your husband and you just drifted apart because life got between you (and there are so many things to do) and you both (or one of you) cannot be bothered to look after the relationship properly? Or do you have truly nothing in common any more? My ex and me were like that - we did not have anything in common at all, he would not do anything with me, he would not even go to a cinema with me - to many people and not enough fresh air - was the excuse!

If you decide to walk away from you marriage - I think you should ask for something. You may have the affair, but who made you feel like you needed one? The blame is on both sides... He sounds stubborn and controlling, accusing you of never being satisfied while all you want is to improve your family life and marriage. His main priority may be wealth, but yours is happiness - who is he to tell you that what he wants is more important in life than what you want????!

When I was stuck in my previous marriage, with nothing in common between us (my ex was blissfully happy as well, as he was getting everything he needed from me - an extra income, organised and clean house, help with his 2 daughters, meals on time, washing done, etc etc etc), an advice from my work colleague was all I needed to realise that my life was all wrong. He was married when he was 18, had 2 kids, split up with his wife and left her everything at 34, 6 months later she told him to take over the house and the kids and she moved out - she could not handle the boys on her own. He than met his new partner who had a child of her own and they are still happy together. He is 73 now. Is just proves to me that you can start over again and still have a great life with the love of your life... I left my ex when I was 31. We did not have any children though as I think I realised the whole time he was not the right partner for me.

I hope you will manage to sort your life soon, and be happy. Let us know how you get on.

Good luck. x

[Trying]

As a couple we can still enjoy each others company, we still like comedy and music. But then there is the other things like the borderline racist and homophobic attitudes which 1) hurt me me because I'm mixed race and 2) craze me because I can't understand homophobia!
I suppose the big issues for me are getting him to do things away from home, it's such an effort, I have to organise envy thing because he's not that interested and then I just feel this enormous pressure that the whole outing/trip away is my responsibility so if anything goes wrong its my fault. Then there his attitude outside its so embarrassing having to be with him swearing about D's behaviour, he also frequently calls him a little git! Which makes me so angry or worse a Stupid Boy, which brings on the red mist in me. Then I feel bad because we'll have a blazing row in front of D and I don't want D to be in that kind of environment.
But I also can see how much D loves his Daddy and vice versa. And the mere thought of breaking that relationship up reduces me to tears.
Oh and yes trips to the cinema are a thing of the past, festivals are 'impossible with kids', we moved out to this beautiful village in Decemeber and I'm still waiting to go on a family walk to either the shore or local reservoir we have literally 10/15 mins from our doorstop!
I raised the issue of his temper towards Daniel yesterday, so perhaps I will try baby steps and see how things go. I just feel bad that I can't say stop to the other guy, because he seems so important to me right now.

[Trying]

Oh and Liz, I'm from a family that split before I was 4yrs old and my parents made our lives so difficult, constantly slagging each other to us, making us feel we had to pick sides, trying to use us to score one up on each other. Manipulating our feelings towards them to try and hurt the other. So I guess a lot of my worries are putting D and #2 through that.

[Constance]

I know you said you did not want to threaten him, but perhaps you should have a serious conversation with him, with your son not present. His behaviour towards your son is unacceptable. If he is working hard to ensure your LO has a good future but at the same time resenting the child for that or treating him badly for any other reason, what is the point???? That is not what children need or want.

If you want to give him a chance you need this talk with him, telling him that you feel like the marriage is on the slope, going down and at one point there will be no return! You will leave and you will start looking for a better life for yourself. Do no mention anything about your present situation. But do tell him about everything that hurts you - the racism for instance - ask him if he wants you to take it personally??? Perhaps that will give him sth to think about.

If you do go separate ways the only thing you can do is make sure you never say anything bad to your kids about their father and do not let them talk about him badly - just demand that they respect him at all times, because your problems are not theirs. I'm sure they will appreciate you for that sooner or later. You cannot control what he is going to tell them.

Perhaps you should take some time, have your baby and see what happens with your husband. Having a little one will completely divert your attention from your current friend, which is a good thing as you will be able then to decide what you really want, and if you still want him then, then that's probably your answer...

We are here if you want to complain or discuss anything, and we're always on your side. I know you think you are the guilty one BUT I know from experience that if you are unhappy you will look for happiness, I certainly did look for somebody when I was still married to my ex, I needed someone to give me a hope for a better life and courage to live everything behind ( I did leave everything, just took my personal stuff and a few kitchen gadgets, I left the flat that we both bought with only small mortgage left, all the furniture I bought, the new kitchen that me and my dad put in, etc ,etc plus I paid off about £25k of his old credit card debts for him during our 5 years together).

All the best. x x x

[devilisha]

Oh Sam xxxx

I have kind of seen it from a couple of different views, but its never the same from someone elses eyes.

My parents split a few times because of my Mum, but they would eventuality get back together.
To be honest it would have been better for us kids if they hadn't got back together again and again.
Finally after about 10 years of ups, downs and mums affairs, they did split for good.

Me and Mum have a ok'ish relationship and I have a fab relationship with my Dad. But thats only because I was alot older and knew what was going on. When the final split and messy divorce came about I was 20

I have never believed that staying together for the kids is a good thing. For it to really work, everyone has to be happy and its generally not the case.
Children are amazing perceptive and will notice things and pick up on things that you probably hadn't thought of.

Can you see your OH changing into the man you would be happy with ? Do you wish he could be more like the other man ?
Do you see your future with the other man ?

You know most of what I went through with my OH and walking away from him, It was the hardest thing to do. But im so much happier. I know he wouldn't have changed his ways if I had not of left.

You have both made the home and life you have and are both entitled to what you have. You should not walk away with nothing.

You have my number hun, use it anytime xxxxxx

[Trying]

Thanks girls, I do try and tackle the individual issues, but I think deep down he won't change. I've confronted him when he says ridiculous things like 'we should all keep to our own kind'!! Telling him he's just said I shouldn't exist and how much that hurts, but it's like he has no filter on his thoughts! And I've discussed this with him, and he feels that he shouldn't have to 'beat round the bush' with me, because I'm his wife so he should be able to be open and honest with me. If I'm honest I don't think I can change him, it's not my style, I don't like being a man changer, and also we are equally stubborn. I think my MIL was able to leave her husband FIL because she really hated him, I'm just not there, I don't think I could ever hate him, he's a good guy, just has some stupid thoughts and attitudes, which I guess I've given up trying to change because I'm tired of the energy needed for it.

I find it hard to visualise a life without him, we've planned for this family we have for so long and we have everything in place for it, but it's not quite right.
I know how he reacts to Daniel is wrong and I've told him and I think it has sunk in, but I do feel he's just a time bomb waiting to go off. Daniel isn't an easy compliant child, he doesn't follow instructions and is very vicious with biting and scratching and hair pulling which does add to the stress. And we're seeing if he's possibly falling on the autism spectrum at the moment. So I guess that's another factor to the situation.

To add a bit of context for the other guy, he's had a lot of problem with Exes screwing him over for money or running off with his family! And as a result he's had to move home to his parents because if how much he pays in Child Maintence. His job is far from a high flyer and what he wants is to settle down into a place if his own and get full custody of his 3 boys, because their mother is pretty darn Jeremy Kyle material! He's 3/4 years older than me. So I guess a future with him would involve me going back to work, raising my kids differently and merging two 'here's one we made earlier' families. Which I'm not sure how I feel about either. I can imagine myself being incredibly happy with him if we had no children! Because obviously that'd be less complicated. Also it's a bit weird thinking like this when neither of us has met the others kids. Perhaps it's all just fantasy.

I've known both since secondary school, my DH and my relationship began at the end of sixth form. But only been back in contact with the new guy the last few years. With things turning into more than friendship in the last few months.

[Hols969]

I dont envy you at all, god its so difficult. I have to say I cant stand people that are racist (unfortunately so many people still are which I find shocking!!) and I would be insulted if I was mixed race as well, he seems to forget that as you obviously look 'white' to him, I cant stand narrow minded ness as well, I just think life is so difficult that just bringing colour or any thing else into it is mad and totally unnecessary as well (your hubbie sounds like my 75 year old dad and it drives me MAD his attitude). I think it makes it all the more difficult as he isn't a terrible wife beater or anything but you do not sound as if you are in love with him any more..... you are worried about the future of the kids and how it will all work out if you do split up, I suspect he would be very unforgiving of you given what you have said but perhaps you need to look at things like counselling or mediation type things to try and do it as smoothly as you can. If you could remain friends and it all to be respectful then I suspect you would leave him..... being happy is important, we all have different phases in our lives when perhaps we are not so happy as a couple or things are difficult but you either get through it or you don't.

My only real concern is if you do leave him for this chap, he has nothing to offer currently e.g house wise or anything else so its not really very straight forward..... you are due to give birth this year so its not as if you can work (if you aren't) or anything like that.... looking at it from a practical reason, its not an easy one by any means.... so you have to be sure that 'mentally' you are sound in your decisions. I sort of think you are in lots of ways but there are lots of practical things holding you back.

You must have a sit down heart to heart with your hubbie though and get most of it into the open and then you can see where you go from there. If you didn't have children, would you leave your husband - take them out of the thinking!!

[Trying]

Hubby is heavily influenced by his 72yr old father! Who although has mellowed a lot in his old age does not have the best attitude to treating people from different cultures with respect!

I can't imagine counselling would ever be an option for his, despite running his mouth off in a hurtful way, he's a very private person so wouldn't agree to discussing his business with anyone else.

Had a bit of an emotional day really, it's been another stay at home day, allowing me to look after Daniel while he and his Dad listen to the cricket and do jobs in the garden. Perhaps it's the hormones, but I've been crying everytimeninthink about
What I'd want from him, some attention, an offer of us doing something as a couple? Even a bit more interest in the new baby, (it's been kicking a lot recently and my other guy has spent more time feeling for a kick than my husband!) - how
Messed up is that?!?!?!? I tried to get him to be patient this morning (usual time for kicks) and it was like token hand on tummy then a joke about not really being anything in there and he disappeared.

Guilt levels have been very high too with the father in law gushing over Daniel saying how blessed he is to have grandchildren and how much he loves them. Just makes me think of the bigger picture of who else I'd be hurting if I did decide to split.

[Hols969]

It doesnt mean you will cut off contact though, its not like you are saying, Im leaving and you will never see the kids, grandkids etc are you. He does sound quite old fashioned, and probably has always been, and the man is the bread winner type thing. Maybe part of all this is he doesnt pay you any attention and the new chap does and makes you feel more appreciated!! Do a list of what you think needs to change and then discuss it with him, he really does need to realise how unhappy you are and if he wont discuss it then perhaps he will always be stuck in his ways and isnt the one for you any more.....

[Trying]

I know, I'd never cut off contact for anyone. But it doesn't stop me feeling guilty breaking up what they think it a happy little family.

We ended up having a horrendous argument yesterday instead. He began swearing, shouting and threatening Daniel at bedtime, so after D was in bed I got really cross with him about it. As its not even been 2 days since I told him to sort his temper out, it ended with me breaking a plate on the kitchen floor (my temper's not great either to be honest!!!) and I hid in the bathroom for 4 hours!

We 'talked' a little after and I did say I wasn't happy with his attitude towards D or money or me. I may have got my point across as he was talking more sheepishly, but it still ended with him saying 'I thought I was doing to right thing'. It just infuriates me that I have to get that angry for him to notice me.

[Constance]

He obviously thinks that he is just perfect, and if you don't keep telling him he is getting it wrong, at the end he will blame you for any split up or problems and will always say you are never satisfied. It feels like you need some very strong words and actions to move him, which is unfortunate because it is not your style, but if he does not change in the end at least he will be aware why he could not make you happy, so he will be aware that the blame is on his side as well.

[sammykins]

My goodness, Sam! I've only just seen this.

The girls have given very good advice already, and I don't think anyone on here would want to judge you. If everything was great in your relationship with your OH, you wouldn't feel the need to see the other guy.
It obviously takes 2 to make a relationship work, and by the sounds of things, your OH thinks his part of the job is to work and provide for the family and for you to be at home and grateful. Where does that leave the actual relationship between you two? It sounds like you are trying to get him to understand that you are not completely happy, but does he try to instigate conversations himself? Does he really think that all is rosey in your lives? Or is he at work too much to even realise?

The situation with the other guy sounds complicated indeed (with his kids I mean), and like Holly said, if you were to leave your DH, the practicalities of it would be tricky if the other guy does not have his own place.
Saying that, I am also of the opinion that nobody should stay in an unhappy relationship for the kids' sake. I'm sure you would remain civil (even if your OH might not) and allow your kids to see their dad as they wish. You are a mother, but you also are a woman first, and the 2 shouldn't be mutually exclusive. You cannot (and shouldn't) deny yourself some happiness because you have children. As long as you make sure your children are happy, that is all you can do, and sometimes, separating is the best thing.

As for your OH being racist/homophobic, well, you know what I think of that!

Big hugs lovely xx

[Trying]

The last few days have been weird. DH has been super nice, and walked around on eggshells too! I'm left wondering how long it'll last rather than hoping he's changing. It's awful I think I want An excuse to go, but I don't know if I could. The whole move last year was to resettle in a better place for Daniel.

And Samira - no he never checks in that we're/I'm happy, I think he relies on me telling him, which as you may have guess I've got fed up of always doing!

I don't think I'm in the right place to make a decision right now, also the other guy is going through troubles with his Ex, and her not letting him see the kids again so don't want to add to his problems. So it's probably a really selfish and cowardly thought, but I think I'm going to do nothing! Wait it out to see how things are with the new baby (probably über stressful and hard I imagine!). And just keep letting DH know what's wrong (although that seems to be my job constantly! Probably why I feel like a nagging wife so much).

God I wish life were simpler.

[miracle19]

Sorry only just messaging you honey! been away at friends.
Of course no one will judge or berate you...always here to listen that is why this site is so good.
it is difficult for me to advise or put myself in your shoes as every situation in marriage is soooo different.
My dad lived a double life for 4 + years with another woman, house and new baby we found out when I was 19...and then my sister married a horrid man and after 8 years together an 1 year of marriage she made the difficult decision to walk away.
She used to beat herself up about leaving and in this case there were no children or other people involved but she was worried about what other people would say and I said to her better to be 26 and divorced than 36 and hating life and him even more...

sorry I know these are completely different situations but I think I am trying to say it is hard whichever way you look at it....but at the end of the day as much as you have to think about DS it wil l do him no good for you to be unhappy...I agree when you say perhaps you need to have the baby and let things settle and I don't think now when you are in such an emotional and hormonal position is the time to have the BIG conversation and perhaps you and this new man need some space from each other too...but I don't think in all honesty until hubby knows EVERYTHING would you be able to either work things out with him or move on without him...

Sorry if none of that made sense. Just remember that I am here to listen if you need anything or on FB. if you PM I can give you my phone number if you need to talk. xxx

[Loula]

Hi Hun I've only just seen this! Hope things are improving? When I first started reading this I thought you were joking! ive always seen the pictures that you post and been in awe you always look so happy and I've just wished I was like you!

Don't rush your decision, although it doesn't sound like oh is being fair at all, he could just be stressed not that it excuses his behaviour and personally I would have had something to say about his out burst! I think it's men in general ( not all men) it's amazing the amount of people that have told me that if they had their time again they wouldn't have got married! I can't see myself getting married we are up and down as is!

It's very hard, it could be a rough patch you have lots going on at the moment! If you need to chat pm me your not on your own I know very well the ups and downs of a relashionship as you well know! Xx