Need to get it all out..............

[Nikki299]

I find I always return to Verity when I really need to rant or get stuff off my chest, the wonderful place of non-judgemental ladies who can always offer support or advice!

Well, I know it has been a long while since I posted, but at times of need.................

Having a really rotten weekend. Why does everything happen in 3's?

Got a call from my mum yesterday evening to tell me that her SIL (my step-dad's SIL actually) had gone to visit her dad in the morning and found him dead at the top of his stairs. So awful for her, and she has never had to deal with anything like that before so my mum spent the day with her and helped her sort everything out, and will continue to do so with anything she needs. Mum was so upset, it brought back so many memories of my nan passing just 4 days after Daniel was born, Mum still has a lot of trouble dealing with nan passing so young, she was only 65.

Then we get to this morning - 8am text from Mum to see if I was up, unusual on a Sunday. One of her cousins (we have a very big family) had called Mum to let her know that one of her brother's had a heart attack yesterday and died as a result. So on top of the emotional day yesterday, Mum now has her own grief to deal with too. I didn't really know this cousin and only saw him a few times, so I'm pretty OK with this - although still sad for that part of my family.

Then we got home, and (we live in flats) DH checked the post box from yesterday's post. I had a letter from the hospital in there. I have had a series of headaches / dizzy spells / vertigo attacks etc for months, and have had an MRI - the results of the MRI are now back and they have found something. It was all scientific doctor speak in the letter, but (yes I know I shouldn't have) but I googled some of it - I know I should wait till I see the dr and have them explain it, but we've all done it! It appears that I have something wrong that will effect my nerves(the most associated thing that kept coming up was MS) and a cyst in my brain. It really doesn't help that I've been quite poorly with it all again this past week, adding a new symptom of pins and needle in my hands too.

DH, in his logical way has told me not to panic, and also told me not to google it - although this didn't stop him from googling it himself! Which OK, I shouldn't worry til I know more, but it would be nice if he could let this sort of stuff sink in before he tells me to calm down - it makes me feel as thought I'm not allowed to react to stuff . but I did tell him this because it was quite obvious how peeved I was! But it also makes me feel as though I have no one I can talk to - I can't talk to Mum, who I normally would because she has more than enough on her plate at the mo, and DH won't really talk about it because he sees it as pointless until we know more. I feel very bottled up, and really trying not to cry. I just really don't know what to with myself at the moment. What I wouldn't do for a magic wand!

I'll just have to make an apt with my GP and see how to go from there - just wish I knew

[Hols969]

Definately DONT google... I had a neurological problem about 10 years or so ago (where I had altered sensation (almost numbness) in both hands, feet and the left side of my face) and I googled it (guillaine Barre - not sure if thats how it spelt) and it said you can wake up paralysed so put the fear of god into me... actually my friends wife had similar symptoms to me at the time and has since been diagnosed with MS and is a wheelchair already, whereas for me it wasnt GB, my body had actually attacked my nervous system in error instead of attacking the cold I was having. I do still have it flare up but realise how lucky I am. Remember on google you only see worst case scenario, never positives!!

Your poor mum, what a rough time, she would be very upset with you if you didnt talk to her about this though, yes she is having a rough time but she loves you and would want you to contact her if you are worried!! Your hubbie is also worried (which is why he probably googled it), we cant help but look, remember you are feeling a bit upset so are probably more sensitive than normal anyway.

Let us know how it goes, and DONT worry, yes it could be bad news but you know what, it may not be as bad as you think so try and stop your mind whirling (you wont, I didnt ....) oh and do cry, its probably what you need, you dont have to be strong all the time you know....

[katekoolkitten]

Hi Nikki,

I'm new to the forum and saw your post and just wanted to say that my heart goes out to you, what a rough weekend you and your family have had to go through.

I'll keep you all in my thoughts, I hope your appointment with your GP eases your worries a little and everything goes well.

*hugs*

[Kasha]

Sending you lots of love, what a rough time you're having.
You really need to talk to your gp about your results as he/she will explain it better than google! Plus there's a lot of misleading information published on the net, as well as worst case scenario stuff.
Hope everything goes well x

[Nikki299]

Hi ladies,

As ever, thank you for your kind words and support - Verity ladies never let me down!!

I managed by some sort of miracle, to get a GP appt today, it didn't help that they hadn't received their copy of the letter yet! So I had to give the GP mine to read. She couldn't really tell me too much as apparently it was fairly vague, but she explained that I have something wrong with my nerves in my brain - and further tests etc will clarify exactly what is going on. But she did mention MS a fair few times as being the usual condition to be diagnosed from these kind of findings.

After the appt I did go and see my mum, and told her what I had found out. She was really upset - she had spent the day with her SIL going through papers and to the funeral directors. And with everything else my news seemed to be the icing on a very unwanted cake. It didn't matter how many times I said that I need to have more tests to investigate matters and we don't know anything for sure, she just couldn't seem to accept it - but I think that is just a whole hell of a lot on info on top of a really bad weekend.

Mum also heard from another one of the cousins today and it transpires the heart attack the other cousin died from was a result of an altercation in a pub, thereby causing the person he had the altercation with being arrested and charged with manslaughter it just gets better!

I think having to tell my mum and sisters has kind of helped me though - having to keep my family calm and explain things about 100 times (what it felt like in the end!) kind of made me accept that I do have to just wait and see what happens and not wind my self up over analysing everything, as is my very bad habit! But saying that I shall spend the time until I see the consultant going through numerous scenarios none of which may happen or be true!

I will add that the only website I actually looked at was the NHS website - I don't tend to trust anything other than that for medical stuff!!

Thanks again ladies - as always much appreciated xxx

[Hols969]

Good glad you told your mum!! One thing I would say is that so many neurological issues have similar symptoms so even the nhs site would have mentioned possibilities so do try not to look to deeply!!! What is the next course of acton, are you going to see a neurologist ?

[Sentimental_Cynic]

I just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you, and I hope everything works out for the best x

[Hols969]

How has the last week gone, any dates for further investigation yet?

[Nikki299]

Last week has been pretty up and down - just got so much going on!

I had my blood tests done yesterday, my consultant's secretary is really helpful - she got the blood forms sent out to me so I could go and get them done ASAP. And I have got my next MRI on Sunday 11th August. Did strike me as odd, and very quick, but I won't argue - its far quicker than my local hospital. And I've got my Ophthalmology appts on 19th August. And hopefully I shall get to see the consultant by the end of August and find out what it going on.

I've just got so much going on at the moment - August is our big month for family birthday's, and we've got some big ones too - my dad is 50 on Sunday and my little sister is 21 on 13th, then I have my granddad's birthday on the 19th, my little brother's on the 20th, my step brother's on the 24th and my great aunt's on 31st! Not to mention 2 funerals, a work training course and work/life in general. And my work is going through a re-organisation and I have had to re-apply for my job - which I have only been in for 2 months after going through redundancy in my previous role!

Very very much need a break! And of course, none of this helps with my PCOS - no period since May at the moment, no sign of it coming and no ovulation signs either but for once my PCOS is taking a back seat, mostly! Its still in the back of my mind that we haven't used any sort of contraception since Daniel was born and nothing has happened - but its not the best time for another bubba yet anyway - just one of those things that I think about now and again.

Thanks again for your support ladies xxx

[Hols969]

AF has probably gone AWOl due to stress!! Let us know how your appointments go, glad its sooner rather than later as there is nothing worse than not knowing!!

[Hols969]

Did you have your scan yet? Any news?

[Nikki299]

No nothing yet, I had the second MRI last Sunday, and I'm off to the ophthalmologist on Monday, more eye tests etc.

I think I have to wait for about 2 weeks for any results, so if I haven't heard anything by the bank holiday weekend I shall call on the Tuesday to see what is going on - I'd like to know more out by the time Daniel goes back to pre-school in September.

Thanks for asking . I am starting to get impatient with it all - the waiting is horrid, and I think its stressing me out, and not helping with my symptoms because of that. I seem to be getting more and more moody and frustrated. Although I am quite spotty at the moment too, so I am wondering if AF is going to show up at some point soon - it'd be nice, seeing as I am now on CD97. But that isn't anything unusual.

I am feeling very down today, but I don't think that's got much to do with my health issues, and far more to do with my little sister's impending 21st birthday party this Saturday. She is my half-sister, and I have a lot of issues with her dad. He and my mum aren't together anymore and the split was far from pleasant and for me even less so. It took me a long time to admit and discuss the fact that he sexually abused me when I was about 12/13. No one in my family knows, only DH. DH hates him, although he is very good at not acting on it. But I've been having flashbacks and nightmares for the past few days. It grates on me so much to see him playing the doting dad, and doting step-dad in his current family. He almost destroyed our family when he cheated on my mum and then eventually left. Not to mention what he did to me. I've never told my family about it - it would only hurt and upset them. And my little sister sees him through distinctly rose-coloured glasses. Its all very difficult to deal with on top of everything else I have going on.

[Hols969]

The waiting is terrible I agree, luckily I had private medical insurance with work so my wait wasn't too long to be diagnosed. Problem is you can find so much stuff on the internet which will frighten you, but fingers crossed it isn't anything awful. As for your step dad, you know what I think counselling would help, I thought it was a load of rubbish but actually it really helped me with some of my anxiety issues I was having so it may well help. One thing I would say also about him, you never said anything and you don't know that his new family are the same and not saying anything as well, he could be continuing to do it and no one is the wiser...... Yes it would hurt your family to tell them but actually it hurts them far more by not telling them.... I would be so upset if anything was 'done' to my son and he never told us (we have already had the chat with him about it anyway, he is 7, and said only mum & dad can touch your privates and only when you are being washed in the shower etc (he does it himself really now anyway). Think of yourself as a mother and how you would feel if your child didn't tell you!! It would probably help you mentally massively if you did tell/speak to someone about it!! He may have done the same to your sister and she hasn't said anything either... (sorry bit of a grim thought but I think men like these are very clever at making youngsters stay quiet about it!!)

Let us know how things go and try not to worry!!

[Nikki299]

Hey ladies,

Thanks for all the support I received, after a long series of tests and numerous hospital visits, I got my diagnosis just before Christmas. I have been diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis.

I'm still trying to get my head around it tbh. I got my diagnosis a week after my landlord telling us he was putting our flat up for sale, so we had to find somewhere to live pretty fast, right before Christmas. Diagnosis 4th December, house found 9th December, house move 15th December, then Christmas - we had 5 Christmas days in the end to cover all the various family obligations - leaving me thoroughly exhausted. I realised the limitations I am now under when I got to last Monday and physically couldn't do a thing and had to rest.

My consultant sent me away to enjoy Christmas and I go back to the hospital on 15th Jan to discuss and start medication, which I will be on for the rest of my life. And I will be monitored by the hospital for the rest of my life too. I've been doing lots of research, only through websites which I am confident are informative and not scare-mongering. The NHS website, MS Society and MS Trust. They've been really helpful, and I do have a nice long list of questions for when I return to the hospital. Work have been fantastic, and very accommodating and understanding. I'm allowed to work from home should I need to.

Its kind of weird, another condition that's unpredictable and life changing - mind you this one is even more so than PCOS, and potentially life shortening too. Hmmmmmmmmmmmm, this one really is going to take a long time to get used to.

[Hols969]

Well it's good news to have a diagnosis and looking at proper sites will help to, it affects everyone differently so fingers crossed the medication will help you and symptoms will stay away!! Let us know how things go. Xxx