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Please help? Living with an addict

PostPosted: Sun Feb 03, 2013 8:33 pm
by Pink Cadillac
Hi girls!
My name's Amy, and the problem I'm having at the mo is with my boyfriend's gambling addiction. We've been together for several years, had ups and downs (last year being particularly rough after losing my dad unexpectedly). He's always dabbled with online roulette; the odd tenner here and there.
We took a live in job last August, free rent food etc, and a decent wage. Our aim was to save up some money so that we could fufill our dream (opening a 50's style diner.) We opened a joint bank account (which I admittedly never checked/paid attention to) and saved up a couple of grand, which was excellent. One day I went to the shop for something, and checked our bank. We were 200 quid overdrawn... his gambling never crossed my mind, but after he refused to show me his bank statements I knew...
He'd lost every penny we'd earnt on online roulette. Long story short I forgave him, but made him promise never to gamble again. Time goes on, vicious circle, we save up, he loses it all, everytime I forgave him. Once he won almost 20 grand, which I'm sure would've been exhilarating and given us the chance to kick start our dream.
Anyway, he lost every penny of course... and told me via Facebook a week after he'd lost it. It was at this point I deleted his gambling account and changed his paypal password so he couldn't deposit money or buy anything without me.
Now, we've taken a new live in job. We're on very low (below minimum) wage, working long, hard hours. Still using the joint back account, which of course I'd taken control of. Long story short again, we've been here since November and saved up around 3 grand. I've just checked our bank account... yep, he's lost every penny again. Turns out he'd opened secretive accounts on other websites and has found a way to hack his own paypal and change his password back. He's at work at the moment, I've just asked him about it and he's said, and quote, ''They must've took money out of my account from ages ago, I don't know, stop mythering you're annoying me.' And of course, he's refusing to show me the bank statements.
Worst thing is, he is NEVER remorseful. He just tells me to shut up and that he doesn't care when I'm upset about all my hard earned money disappearing. On average he does 10-15 more hours than me a week, so in his head he 'earns all the money anyway'.
I'm sorry for the long post, I'm seething and gutted, I just don't know what to do.

Re: Please help? Living with an addict

PostPosted: Mon Feb 04, 2013 9:44 am
by Constance
OMG!

I would not know what to do with him - he obviously needs treatment, but I would close down the joint account immediately and open a new one for myself only, with no access for him at all. He is using you. If he still wants to contribute to saving for your dream restaurant he should give you a cheque every week... Each time you forgive him and things go back to normal he knows he can get away with it again.

Personally, I would look for a first opportunity to leave him... he has no respect for you and he is selfish. You cannot build anything with such a person - not a family, not a relationship nor a business.

sending you lots of hugs

x x x

Re: Please help? Living with an addict

PostPosted: Mon Feb 04, 2013 9:44 am
by devilisha
Hi Amy,

Im so sorry, that must be hard to get your head around. It does sound like he really needs profession help.
I know you think that removing access to his accounts and changing passwords is enough, But an addict will always find a way.
I think you need to have a think about where You want to go from here and if you can deal with it and have a talk with him. Tell him enough is enough and ask if he will get help. What you will do if he refuses to get help.

I havent dealt with a Gambler before, but have with another addict. He never got help until I finally left him.

I hope you find the strength and guidance you both need

Caz x

Re: Please help? Living with an addict

PostPosted: Mon Feb 04, 2013 2:14 pm
by Kasha
Hi Amy
I'm so sorry to hear your story. But i have to be really blunt and say you are never going to acheive your dreams with him, even if he ever gets treatment, do you think you will ever trust him again?You need to get in touch with gamblers anonymous. I don't know what, if any, services they offer for relatives, but i know that the AA do have a group for families of alcoholics, and i know that it is a fantastic source of support. Perhaps there is a similar one for the loved ones of gamblers. If so they would be in a much better position to offer advice than those ofmus who have no experience of it, not that this advice wont help you or be valuable to you, sometimes someone else's view point can be really helpful, but we dont know the pitfalls etc if youmknow what i mean.
It must be completely devastating for you to lose all that money again. But you have to take responsibility for your own life and future path, if things carry on as they are, you are just allowing him to control your life and what happens, even tho you took what you believed to be sensible ways forward, changing passwords and closing accounts etc. but like Caz says, they always find ways and means of getting round it, as you have found!
I dont know what the answer is. Leave him, stay with him but have your own account... I dont know what would wprk for you which is why i think you really need to seek professional help, even if he wont accept it, it might help you.
Good luck with whatever happens x

Re: Please help? Living with an addict

PostPosted: Tue Mar 19, 2013 6:52 am
by hope07
(((hugs))) for starters.

Firstly my advice would be to protect yourself finnancially- you dont want him to keep losing your money, and you need some security. I would therefore close all joint accounts.

He needs to seek specialist help for his addiction, but he has to want to.

Re starting a buisness. I wouldn't even consider it at this time with your partner. But maybe its a dream you can aim for on your own?

Hope things work out x