Losing a loved one...coping with grief....

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Losing a loved one...coping with grief....

Postby Steph Pet! » Tue Jan 24, 2012 10:15 am

Hey girls,

I'm not sure where else to turn for a bit of advice on this one. Some of you will know that I lost my BIL to cancer in Oct...was all really quick and shocking as he was only 37. Problem is I'm not too sure hubby is coping very well with it all...he's not a big talker...tends to bottle things up then have an outburst every now and then. Since Phil died he's just not been himself....can't cope with things as well as he normally would...paranoid about our relationship like he's going to lose me....stressing about work....etc.

I think he needs to go and talk to someone about what happened. He was with my SIL when Phil actually died...he didn't even want to be at the hospital but circumstances took him there (he had to take MIL up there) and ended up being 'nominated' to go in and support SIL to talk to doc but then Phil flatlined and died when they were in there. He hasn't really spoken about how he felt or what happened that night...and he won't with me...he said I've got enough to deal with at the moment without him adding to the stress....I'm just not sure what I can do for him. I'm so used to him being the strong level headed one...and now he keeps just collapsing in a heap of tears. He's getting worked up with things at work...not sleeping too well (not helped by Harry being up and down all night) and generally a bit distant....tho he is laughing...the boys keep him smiling....

My only experience of grief and depression is of my Dad having a breakdown and trying to kill himself several times when I was in my teens so DH being like this I am absolutely terrified.

I've made an appointment for him to go to the docs in 2 weeks but dunno if there is anything else I can do for him. Has anyone here lost a sibling/parent and been through this...is it normal or does he need help...what can I do???
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Postby Hols969 » Tue Jan 24, 2012 10:29 am

aah poor chap. Im not sure how I would cope if I actually saw someone die to be honest. And so young. I bet he is also worried about his health and leaving the boys and you etc.

People grieve in their own way I suppose so what is right for one isnt for another. Some sort of counselling may be good though as it is an outsider. Perhaps he wants to appear strong for you and the boys so doesnt want to show that sort of emotion but it obviously does need to come out somehow which perhaps he is struggling with as he has always been strong. Its sad that he didnt really want to be there and then was and he died while he was in there really so he didnt want to do it but had no choice.

Will he go to the GP appointment do you think? Does he have any sort of phone line support with work or anything (we have a help line)?

Sometimes it is difficult if you have always been the strong one to show emotion (Im a bit like that as Im the main bread winner so dont often let my emotions show much which is a little unhealthy perhaps).

Anyway all you can do is support him and keep saying you arent going anywhere...
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Postby Steph Pet! » Tue Jan 24, 2012 10:41 am

Thx Holly....that's what I've been doing....maybe tmi but he's gotten so insecure he keeps putting pressure on me constantly for a bit of rumpy as he said he needs ot feel wanted and that makes him feel wanted. I feel awful cos I'm so focussed on sorting the boys and looking for a job myself....I try to be there but it's hard to split yourself a thousand ways iykwim.

He knows I've made the appointment and I think he knows he needs to talk through it all and I think with someone impartial is the thing....
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Postby Hols969 » Tue Jan 24, 2012 11:44 am

Its quite sad really tho isnt it. It is true that sex does make you feel closer I think but dont feel obliged :-) there is nothing worse than feeling you have to when you actually want to do the shopping list or the washing ...

I think to speak to outsiders will help, Im not sure what the GP can do tho in such a short space of time and sometimes counselling takes ages to get as there is normally a waiting list. What about something like the samaritans or something as they are good and may help, sometimes being over the phone helps too. Does he have private medical as this may cover it if the GP can refer him?

Let me know how things go and fingers crossed he will start to settle back down to normal.
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Postby seastargirl » Tue Jan 24, 2012 12:33 pm

Hey,

So sorry to hear of your loss. Having been with my auntie when she died of cancer at a similar age I can say that it is a very hard thing to see and 2 years on I still get flashbacks and cry over it. It took me a year to really come to grips with it and to stop breaking down at the most random things, although it's a cliche, time is a healer and he will find things a little less difficult as the year goes on.

It's great that you've arranged for him to go to the doctors, if he's anything like my other half he'd never have made that step himself.

Although I didn't use it my Mum and Cousins all used the services of Macmillan who offer counselling following the death of someone from cancer as well as using Cruse Bereavement Care who offer counselling as well as written support and advice for the bereaved and for there friends and relatives. They are an amazing source of information and we give their details to any staff who suffer a loss and the feedback has been very good. So I'd suggest googling them and seeing if you can get something set up directly with one of them.

My Mum found that the specialised bereavement counselling was much more effective than some she had previously had for her Mothers death which had been sourced through the GP. So it's probably worth trying to explore all avenues.

Something the GP may be able to do is talk him through what happened at the death, and explain why certain things when on. If he's not spoken to anyone about it he may not realise why certain things occurred and what they meant.

Hope that helps and that you are both able to get some support and comfort soon.
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